portrait

Done by a Deutsch Master.

Strong Bad tries to make a portrait of himself.

Cast (in order of appearance): Strong Bad, Lord Quackingstick, Strong Badman (Easter egg), Deutschman (Easter egg), The Deutsch Master (Easter egg), The Cheat, Homestar Runner, Strong Mad, Princess Shellbra

Places: Computer Room, Art Museum, Trailer Home, Strong Mad's Room, Basement of the Brothers Strong, The Field (Easter egg)

Computer: Lappy 486

Date: Sunday, December 4, 2005

Running Time: 3:37

Page Title: Lappy 486

DVD:strongbad email.exe Disc Five

Transcript

STRONG BAD: Hey everybody, it's a musical Strong Bad Email this week! {presses enter} {singing} Da-doot doot doot Dear, Dear Strong Bad, oh I was wondering—{stops singing} Ahhh, I can't keep this up.

>subject: portrait >Dear Strong Bad-
>I was wondering if you ever wanted to have somebody
>paint a portrait of  your greatness.
>guess what, it's-
>Dylan Bragers (aka Coolio da Fabio)
>Texas

STRONG BAD: {typing} Guess what? Nobody calls you Coolio da Fabio (aka quit making up nicknames for yourself.) I'm just gonna call you Dealin' Burgers, which I assume doubles as an accurate job description.

{Clears screen.}

STRONG BAD: Moving onwardly, I suppose my greatness is worthy of portraiture. Perhaps one done by a Deutsch Master.

{Cut to a portrait of Strong Bad, in a long-haired wig, a beret, and a toga, holding a toy stick with a duck's head on the end. The painting is in a gold frame, with a museum placard beside it.}

STRONG BAD: The kind that are always getting stolen or vandalized by art bandits.

{The Cheat appears from the top, wearing a black mask, skullcap, and a t-shirt reading "4rt b4ndit". He places a stencil over the painting and paints a "robotank", along with the words "RAD, RAD ROBOTANK", in pink spray paint.}

STRONG BAD: {offscreen} Thanks, little buddy! Now it's worth something.

THE CHEAT: {obliging The Cheat noises; salutes}

{Cut back to the Lappy.}

STRONG BAD: {resumes typing} Or what about one of those black and white ink portraits you see in all the rich-guy newspapers.

{Cut to a black-and-white newspaper. An image of Strong Bad in a suit and tie and holding a large cell phone is in the center.}

STRONG BAD: Well, apparently they're not rich enough to afford any color. Or even solid lines! Just a bunch of dots and dashes. I look like Morse code. {imitating Morse code} Dah dah dah dee dee dee... I a-am ho-o-olding a real-ly ol-d cel-l-l pho-o-one.

{Cut back to the Lappy. The screen has cleared.}

STRONG BAD: {typing} Oops. No. Hey, I got it! A painting of such greatness demands only the finest materials. And what could be finer than black velvet in a cheap imitation wood frame? It would be showcased—

{Cut to the velvet painting. It shows Strong Bad holding a skunk. A lamp with a moose on it can be seen to the left.}

STRONG BAD: —in only the fanciest double-wide trailers. Oh, and look! I finally caught that skunk. I been chasing after that little scamp for—Whoa!—

{The shot suddenly shifts to the right to reveal a poster of a unicorn on a snowmobile with the caption "Born to be danged!!!". Another moose lamp is seen on the right.}

STRONG BAD: —Is that a blacklight poster of a unicorn riding a snowmobile?! Now that is some esteemed company.

{A Cold One Ice flies at the lamp and shatters it.}

HOMESTAR RUNNER: {offscreen and in a groggy voice} Thanks for breaking my moose lamp.

{Cut back to the Lappy.}

STRONG BAD: {typing} Unfortunately, I don't know anybody with a useless Master of Fine Arts degree, so I might have to settle for something a bit more, how you say, made by Strong Mad or The Cheat.

{Cut to The Cheat, who is noisily gnawing a relief-bust of Strong Bad's face into a log.}

STRONG BAD: Very... uh, slobbery, The Cheat. This isn't quite what I had in mind when you said "sculpture."

{Classical music starts playing.}

STRONG BAD: You're really just... goin' to town there, aren't ya?

{Strong Bad stares at The Cheat working for a moment.}

STRONG BAD: I'm gonna {motioning with his glove} leave you two alone.

{Strong Bad backs away. Cut to Strong Mad's room. Strong Mad is sprinkling glitter over a macaroni picture. A sticker on the left side reads "Great Thyme". Strong Bad walks up.}

STRONG BAD: Oh, nice work, Chef Boyardee!

{Cut to a close-up of the picture.}

STRONG BAD: Like I couldn't have gone down to the kindergarten and hired a five-year-old to make me one of those.

{Cut back to the wide shot.}

STRONG BAD: ...Except that sounds pretty creepy and I'd probably go to jail.

STRONG MAD: {slams the glitter down} I'LL WAIT FOR YOU!

{Cut back to the Lappy. Strong Bad sits down.}

STRONG BAD: {typing} Well, thanks to my no-talent minions, it looks like a self-portrait is the only way to go. And I will render it in nothing less than the classic style of the Trüe Mästers.

{Cut to a shot of Strong Bad, who has somehow fit his head into a wooden cutout of a muscular man holding a sword with a keyboard on it. The man's abdominal muscles are in the shape of the letters "SB", and he is holding a falcon. His one visible leg wears a boot that looks vaguely similar to a 'Lectric Boot. There are also two cans of paint nearby, labeled "Some Paint" and "Some More Paint". There is also a cutout of a mermaid at his feet with an empty space for a head. He paints it with a small brush.}

STRONG BAD: Ah, at last: A self-portrait that accurately depicts who I am, where I'm from {pronounced "way I'm fum"}, and my passing interest in falconry.

{He tries to get out.}

STRONG BAD: Uh-oh. {keeps trying} How do I get outta this thing?

{Cut to the reverse angle. He can be seen hanging by his head.}

STRONG BAD: How did I get into this thing? {kicks his legs together a few times}

{Cut back to the front view. He holds up the duck-head toy from the first portrait.}

STRONG BAD: {making the bird talk} Quack, quack.

{Cut to a close-up.}

STRONG BAD: Why, Lord Quackingstick, how nice to see you. You don't happen to have a hacksaw in your pocket, do you? {making the bird talk} Quack, quack.

{Cut back to the wide shot.}

STRONG BAD: Oh, too bad. {looking down at the mermaid} Well, what about you, Princess Shellbra?

{He moves the bird-on-a-stick into the face hole for the mermaid.}

STRONG BAD: {making the bird talk in a high, sultry voice} Quack, quack. {speaking normally} But of course. I love to serenade you anytime with my {looks down to his right} mystical keyswordtar. I mean it's not like I'm goin' anywhere... anytime soon.

{The Paper comes down.}

Easter Eggs

"Strong Badman and Deutschman are both finished!!!"

• Click the white card beside the portrait by the Deutsch Master to see an "Adventures of Strong Badman" comic book. A "Deutsch Master" holding a paintbrush is silhouetted, standing over Strong Badman and Deutschman, who are both lying wounded on a pile of rubble.Enter... The Deutsch Master
  
  "Strong Badman and Deutschman are both finished!!!"
• Click the keyswordtar at the end to see a printable version of the robotank stencil The Cheat used to vandalize the painting.
• Click Lord Quackingstick at the end to see Strong Bad show off his keyswordtar to Homestar.

{Cut to The Field with Homestar and Strong Bad holding the keyswordtar, his head still in the hole, although it has been broken off from the rest of the portrait.} STRONG BAD: ...so that's when I realized I don't even need Lamaze classes. HOMESTAR RUNNER: Strong Bad, there's something different about you. Did you get a haircut? STRONG BAD: No, but I did get this new keyswordtar. {imitates guitar riff, waves the keyswordtar around} Maow, maow, maoooooooow. {falsetto} Keyboard, keyboooooard. {normal} Maow, maow, maooooooooow. {falsetto} Fight some brigands!! {Homestar holds up a SAAB lighter, Strong Bad's voice returns to normal} Maow Maow, Maoooow-ow-ow-ow-ow-ow-owwowwoww-whammy-barrrrruh.

Fun Facts

Explanations

• Deutsch is the German word for "German", but Strong Bad uses it as a play on Dutch. (The similarity in sound has led to confusion about terms such as Pennsylvania Dutch, who are actually of German descent.) "Dutch masters" is a general term for the famous Dutch artists of the 17th century, such as Rembrandt and Vermeer.
• Falconry is the art or sport of training raptors (birds of prey) to hunt or pursue game.
• Lamaze is a relaxation technique designed to avoid the use of pain-killing drugs during childbirth.
• A whammy bar is a lever mounted to the bridge of a guitar and is used to bend the notes up or down.
• Thyme is the herb depicted on Strong Mad's "Great Thyme" sticker.
• The painting of Strong Bad described as "looking like Morse Code" is a reference to the Wall Street Journal's use of hedcuts.

Trivia

• This email was sent in by wiki user NachoMan.
• This email was released late Sunday night Atlanta time, but the website claimed that its release date was on Monday.
• The card next to the first portrait reads:

>Strongio da Baddio
>DaVantres
>c. 1658

Cheap as Free Comics

• The upper-left corner of the comic book reads:

CHEAP AS FREE comics {The Cheat in costume}
$1.25 $8.00 CAN 45	APPROVED BY THE COMICS CODE {symbol}

• The captions for the newspaper picture read "Sell phones or Cell phones?" above and "Strong Bad" below. A lower headline reads "Banks have 'money'".
• The visible portions of the newspaper articles read:

Mulligatawny stew rose high in the markets today fter rumors spread a really sweet deal over at my place usually get started d nine and go until who knows when! Pork bellies will be erved around 8-ish. tures to follow at 9 ase bring your own pkins if you're into that crap. Not me. ipe hands on pants, yo. Anyways, I'm ally rich and money s still very valuable.

Gigantic cell phone making a 4th quart comeback as the the "it' toy of the Decemberwe season. "Who wants to put a phone in their poc when you can carry aro a separate suitcase just for a portable, wireless mobile, take-anywhere cellular telephone. Ma analysts predict all the cool kids will be luggi these stylish jobbies fr prom dance to soccer practice in 2006. "I want a cell phone that is quite large," say the sleepy rabbit. The technology sector is anticipating other woodland creatures to be amon early adopters of the new technology

• If pronounced with all the umlauts Strong Bad had inserted, "True Master" would be pronounced TREU MEH-ster.

Remarks

• Strong Bad tells "Coolio da Fabio" to "quit making up nicknames for yourself". However, in english paper, he actually recommends it, saying "it couldn't hurt to soup up your name a little bit."
  • Additionally, an Easter egg in retirement shows a list of nicknames Strong Bad made up for himself.
• Homestar's lighter in the keyswordtar Easter egg is a Saab lighter, in contrast to Strong Bad's BMW lighter.
• The fours in The Cheat's 4rt b4ndit shirt are another example of Leetspeak in the toons.
• Strong Bad's comment about "a useless Master of Fine Arts Degree" is a self-reference to Mike Chapman. Mike has a Bachelor of Fine Arts degree and, according to the Tastes Like Chicken Interview, dropped out of graduate school because he felt that his photographic style was not commercially viable.
• The second small line on the right newspaper paragraph repeats the word "the".
• In the scene where Strong Bad says "How did I get into this thing?", Lord Quackingstick is not there.
• The "really old cell phone" resembles the walkie-talkies from lunch special.

Goofs

• Strong Bad mistypes his line "Guess what? Nobody calls you Coolio da Fabio (aka quit making up nicknames for yourself.)" The period should be outside the parentheses; Strong Bad types it inside.
• In the Easter egg, when Strong Bad is moving the wooden cutout of the keyswordtar around, the picture reverses direction.
• In the picture of Strong Bad holding the old cell phone, his arm is longer than usual.

Inside References

• Homestar's line "Thanks for breaking my moose lamp" is a reference to caper, where he thanked Strong Bad and The Cheat for breaking his cow lamp.
• The velvet painting of Strong Bad holding the skunk was done by Lem Sportsinterviews.
• The gnawing pose for The Cheat was last used in personal favorites. In the DVD commentary, The Brothers Chaps mention wanting to use that pose again.
• Strong Bad has a similar blacklight unicorn painting, as seen in the Strong Bad Main Page.
• The School Paste in Strong Mad's room was first seen in Strong Sad's room in the Email depressio.
• The tune that Strong Bad uses to sing the opening lines of the email is very similar to the background music of Fall Float Parade.
• Strong Mad's box of "TendaRONi" is another appearance of lowercase i's.
• The extra umlauts in "Trüe Mästers" mirror those in "Witches' Brüe" from Halloween Fairstival.
• Mulligatawny stew, a kind of soup from India, also appeared in the DVD commentary for Experimental Film.
  • Also within the article, a sweet deal is mentioned.
• Deutschman, one of the characters on the Strong Badman comic cover, was created in haircut.
• Keyswordtar is a portmanteau of "sword" and "keytar" (which, in itself, is a portmanteau of keyboard and guitar).
• Strong Bad rejects the idea of hiring a kindergartner to make him a macaroni picture, because he would probably go to jail.

Real-World References

• "TendaRONi" is a reference to the term "tenderoni" which has appeared in quite a number of songs as slang for a young female love interest, most famously "Roni" by Bobby Brown and "P.Y.T." by Michael Jackson. This, in turn, is named after a real boxed pasta product that was discontinued in 1981.
• The Rad Rad Robotank is likely a double-reference to Transformers and the Newgrounds.com logo. The fact that it appears as a stencil is possibly a jab at Newgrounds' tendency to encourage people to place their promotional stickers everywhere. It is also a reference to a British artist, Banksy, who uses stencils and has also produced paintings which consist of modified forms of existing works of art.
• The black-and-white portrait of Strong Bad is a "hedcut", a type of drawing developed by and used in The Wall Street Journal (which is probably the "rich-guy newspaper" he was referring to).
• Chef Boyardee was an Italian chef who is famous for his canned food franchise.
• Homestar holds up a Saab lighter during the Easter egg with Strong Bad.

Fast Forward

• The trailer with the black light poster of the unicorn is later revealed to be the one that Vance Mudgeman's family lives in in secret identity.
• The Cheat's spray paint design later appears in the FBI warning for strongbad email.exe Disc Five.
• In Strong Badia the Free, Strong Bad again refers to Dutch Masters, wondering why they never did wood burning art.

YouTube Version

• The YouTube description for this email is "Strong Bad tries to figure what art style is most worthy of his visage."
• The Lord Quackingstick Easter egg plays automatically at the end.

DVD Version

• The DVD version features hidden creators' commentary. To access it, switch the DVD player's audio language selection while watching.

Commentary Transcript

MIKE: All right, I got a special surprise for you guys.

MATT: Okay.

MIKE: I'm going to put Ryan in a full nelson {Ryan screaming} for this whole commentary. All right.

{all laugh}

RYAN: I'm ready.

MATT: All right.

RYAN: Wooo!

MIKE: I've got the fingers locked, too.

MATT: Yeah.

MATT: If you were Hercules Hernandez, Mike, this would be— curtains for Ryan.

MIKE: {overlapping} I like how he was Hercules, he was — you know, they dropped the Hernandez after a while, he just became Hercules.

MATT: Right, right.

MIKE: They called him Herc. Gorilla Monsoon liked to call him Herc.

RYAN: The Herc!

{laughter}

MIKE: Versus Billy Jack Haynes, I've got a trading card of that match.

MATT: How you doing down there, Ry?

RYAN: I'm doing all right. So there were wrestling trading cards?

MATT AND MIKE: {simultaneously} Yep.

MIKE: That's my trading card actually.

MATT: Is it?

MIKE: Andy Cooper gave that to me.

MATT: Coopreme.

MIKE: It was fun to do, um— the portraits. I liked to do the Wall Street Journal one.

MATT: Yeah. What do they call that? What's the name of those?

MIKE: I forget, there's uh—

RYAN: Dot matrix.

{laughter}

MATT: The dot...

MIKE: Dot matrix. {laughs} Oh, look! It's like the beginning of the DVD.

MATT: Oh, it is!

MIKE: What's that guy's name?

RYAN: Banksy.

MATT: Banksy.

MIKE: Yeah.

MATT: There was Banksy in that movie Children of Men, that's supposed to take place in the future. Some guy has a bunch of banksy artwork in his futuristic home.

RYAN: Taggin'.

MIKE: So, I've still got Ryan in the full nelson.

RYAN: {overlapping} This is—

MATT: {overlapping} Oh yeah, how's it going down there, Ry?

RYAN: {overlapping} I don't—

MIKE: {overlapping} I'm gonna be— remain true to my word.

RYAN: {overlapping} I mean—

MATT: {overlapping} Can you even look at the... the computer?

RYAN: Sort of.

MATT: To see the DVD?

MIKE: I can... I can adjust my hold.

RYAN: Uh...

MATT: Does it hurt, Ryan?

RYAN: It's, uh, it's not comfortable, {Matt laughs} I'll tell you that much.

MIKE: All right, I can loosen it up a little bit.

RYAN: What? I mean— If you're in a full nelson, you've gotta feel it. {Mike laughs} You won't learn anything.

MATT: Uh, our Craig Zobel... made an amazing, uh... faux velvet painting of our friend Fabs from Germany for me one time.

MIKE: That was a good present.

MATT: That was a great present.

MIKE: I was jealous.

MATT: Hey look, there's a moose lamp. Is this the same place where Strong Bad's secret identity self lives?

MIKE: Yeah, where he yells, he's got the... 5 o'clock shadow.

{In the email, the Cold One Ice breaks the moose lamp}

MATT: Oh! Look out!

RYAN: Is there paper you can print for a felt poster?

MATT: A black light poster?

RYAN: Yeah.

MATT: I dunno.

RYAN: They should.

MIKE: I almost got a useless Master of Fine Arts degree.

MATT: Yeah?

MIKE: Yeah.

MATT: We know some people who have those.

MIKE: We've got several friends—

RYAN: Woo!

MIKE: I decided to call it quits after a year.

MATT: Look at that! Man, he's really going—

RYAN: He's making his own totem pole.

MATT: {laughs} He is.

RYAN: We shoulda done it.

MATT: We— we were supposed to have done that, several years ago.

{pause}

MATT: Who put up that sign? Did The Cheat put up that sign? Or is—

MIKE: No, it's always there. What are you talking about? {Matt starts to say something} That's where log-gnawing takes place.

MATT: Look— I like how there's the disgusting— The Cheat's spittle is— making the ground wet.

MIKE: Oh, a tender-roni.

{pause}

RYAN: Yeah.

MATT: Great Thyme!

MIKE: That'd be a good scratch and sniff sticker.

MATT: I like to spell "time" with a T-H-Y all... the time. All the thyme. {pronounces the "th"}

RYAN: The Tham— Thames river.

MATT: How do you like Strong Mad's room, Ryan?

RYAN: I do— I like it a lot, I like the circles.

MATT: {simultaneously} Yeah. It feels like that could— that could be a room in your house.

RYAN: It could be.

MATT: Ryan has—

RYAN: I {indistinguishable} the stripes.

MATT: Ryan has a nice paint job.

{laughter}

MATT: "Some paint". "Some more paint".

MIKE: {laughs} It looks like— I think there's a real paint can that looks like that.

MATT: Ohh, nice.

MIKE: Maybe.

MATT: Ryan, if you could shape your six-pack into... into some letters, what would you have it say?

RYAN: Uh.. Strong— Stay— Stay cool.

{laughter}

MIKE: That's a good message to send to people.

{pause}

MATT: I want a Lord Quackingstick of my own, you guys.

RYAN: Yeah.

MATT: Umm... how's the full nelson going, Ry?

RYAN: It's— it is sore.

MATT: It's starting to get sore?

MIKE: Whaddya think the longest full nelson ever is?

MATT: I dunno.

MIKE: I bet we're in the top— I bet we're in the top hundred here.

MIKE: Really?

MIKE: I dunno. Why else would anyone—

RYAN: Do this.

MIKE: —do this for this long?

Fun Facts

• Hercules Hernandez was a professional wrestler who used the full nelson as a finishing move. The "Billy" referenced is Billy Jack Haynes; the two wrestlers met at WrestleMania III, and their grudge was over which one could perform the full nelson better.

External Links

• watch "portrait"
• watch "portrait" on YouTube
• watch "portrait" on the old Flash site
• view the Flash file for "portrait"
• forum thread re: "portrait"