Haircut

"I DON'T WANT TO EAT A GUITAR!"

Strong Bad gives advice to a Deutschlander on cool "haircuts".

Cast (in order of appearance): Strong Bad, Marzipan, The Poopsmith, The King of Town, Homestar Runner, Strong Mad, Ready For Primetime, Strong Sad (Easter egg), Strong Badman (Easter egg), Deutschman (Easter egg), Larry Palaroncini (Easter egg)

Places: Computer Room, Marzipan's Gazebo, The Field, King of Town's Castle, Basement of the Brothers Strong (Easter egg), Strong Sad's Room (Easter egg)

Computer: Compy 386

Date: Monday, May 3, 2004

Running Time: 2:59

Page Title: Compy 386!!

DVD:strongbad email.exe Disc Four

Transcript

STRONG BAD: Man, if I had a nickel for every email I get, I would throw them at people in the food court. From that railing, like up above.

{Starts reading with "Da da da—"}

>Dear Strong Bad,
>Dude, who cuts your hair? It's
>sooo coull. I can't decide what to
>do with mine, any suggestions?
>
>Harry Earlenmacherg
>Düsseldorf

{Strong Bad pronounces "coull" just like it is spelled, and in place of "Earlenmacherg," he says "ergonomics".}

STRONG BAD: {typing} I got no hair, Düsseldörke, so I'm gonna have to reach on this one. Now who's got hair around here?

{Cut to Strong Bad and Marzipan by the gazebo. Strong Bad is holding scissors.}

MARZIPAN: {angrily} You gotta be kidding me.

{Cut to Strong Bad and The Poopsmith in the field. The Poopsmith points to one of his hairs.}

STRONG BAD: Uh... Never mind.

{Cut to Strong Bad and Marzipan by the gazebo again.}

MARZIPAN: I'm growing it out for charity.

{Cut to Strong Bad and The King of Town by the castle.}

THE KING OF TOWN: Nobody touches the 'stache!

{Cut to a close up of Homestar. He's got an angry look on his face.}

HOMESTAR RUNNER: N-O spells no!

{Cut back to show that Homestar is off by himself, talking to no one, while Strong Bad and the King of Town are in the background.}

STRONG BAD: I didn't even ask you, baldy!

{Homestar looks shocked. Cut to Strong Bad and Marzipan by the gazebo again.}

MARZIPAN: This is a weave.

{Cut back to Strong Bad at the Compy.}

STRONG BAD: Aw, {typing} Sorry Ger-man. Looks like I can't practice my barber wizardry, or barbzerdry as I call it, on anybody around here. So, I guess you're on your own. I ghe—

{Widen to show Strong Mad standing next to Strong Bad. Strong Mad is holding a cardboard box.}

STRONG MAD: MAKE IT DANCE! MAKE IT PRANCE!!!

STRONG BAD: Uh, I'll make that cardboard box dance and prance later, big guy. I'm in the middle of...

{Zoom in on Strong Mad's eyebrows.}

STRONG BAD: Ah ha! Pay dirt!

{A camera flash goes off and the screen goes white. Fade back to Strong Bad at the Compy. An instant camera type photo of Strong Mad is taped to the Compy. It develops as Strong Bad talks.}

STRONG BAD: Okay, now that I have Strong Mad's image... um... scanned in to the computer, I'll use my cutting-art, state of the edge technology to simulate different hairstyles. On his eyebrows. I'll just get out my "LIGHT PEN" here.

{Strong Bad's hand comes up. He has a dry-erase marker and starts to draw on the picture.}

STRONG BAD: First, for the Strong Mad who's out on the prowl, no woman can resist the distinguished grace of what I like to call: The "Gentleman Caller".

{Strong Bad draws gentleman-like eyebrows. "Gentleman Caller" flashes on the screen.}

STRONG BAD: Or...

{Strong Bad wipes the picture clean. Cut to the picture.}

STRONG BAD: ...experience the lightning brows of "Jagged Metal".

{Strong Bad draws lightning-shaped eyebrows. "Jagged Metal" flashes on the screen.}

STRONG BAD: Oh, and he's definitely gonna need a guitar.

{Strong Bad draws a guitar. It ends up in the middle of Strong Mad's face.}

STRONG MAD: I DON'T WANT TO EAT A GUITAR!

STRONG BAD: You're not eating it! You're shredding some hott lixx... with your teeth.

{Strong Bad makes a guitar noise as he draws a whammy bar on the guitar. He then wipes the picture clean.}

STRONG BAD: Or experience the urban flavor of: "Hammer Pants".

{He draws some funky eyebrows with a fade and adds a comic balloon pointing to Strong Mad's mouth that says "proper!" He then wipes the picture clean.}

STRONG BAD: And for the Strong Mad who's not so concerned with attracting ladies: "Big Ol' Eyebrows".

{He draws some large rectangular eyebrows.}

STRONG BAD: I should probably go ahead and give him a couple missing teeth...

{He blackens Strong Mad's upper-right central incisor and upper-left cuspid.}

STRONG BAD: Acne...

{He draws spots on Strong Mad's face.}

STRONG BAD: One of them butt chins.

{He draws a cleft.}

STRONG BAD: There we go. One hundred and ten percent lady-proof.

{He wipes the picture clean. He then draws a dog and a cat for eyebrows.}

STRONG BAD: "A Dog and Also a Cat Shaped Eyebrows."

{"A Dog and Also a Cat Shaped Eyebrows" flashes on the screen.}

STRONG BAD: And a couple of muskrat.

{He adds two muskrats. He then wipes the picture clean.}

STRONG BAD: And don't forget: the "Ready for Primetime."

{He draws a weird-looking character over Strong Mad's face. "Ready for Primetime" flashes on the screen.}

STRONG BAD: Which I admit I got a little carried away with.

STRONG MAD: SWEETIE CAKES! SWEETIE CAKES!!!

STRONG BAD: Sweetie cakes? What are you ta— O-oh, yeah I guess it does look a little bit like one of them "Sweet Cuppin' Cakes" guys.

{He draws an "Eh! Steve!"-esque character.}

STRONG BAD: Eh! Greg!

{He wipes the picture clean.}

{Strong Bad takes the picture down and starts typing.}

STRONG BAD: {typing} So that gives you a lot to choose from, Deutschman. I think you could easily apply all my eyebrow style to your {pauses} headbrow style. So good luck witchasself. I have to go use my "LIGHT PEN" on napping Strong Sad. Prreeow.

{Strong Bad gets up and The Paper comes down.}

Easter Eggs

Sufferin' Schnitzels It's...DEUTSCHMAN!

• Click on "Barbzerdry" to see a piece of parchment about this obscure trade.

>specializing in:
>-elixirs
>-faeries
>-high top fades

>absolutely NO:
>-cuts
>-butts
>-coconuts

>Strong Bad's
>School Of Barbzerdry

• At the end, click on "Deutschman" to see a Strong Badman comic book.

>Cheap as Free Comics
>The Total Adventures of STRONG BADMAN
>Sufferin' Schnitzels It's...DEUTSCHMAN!

• At the end, click on "eyebrow style" to see Strong Bad make the box dance.

{Cut to the basement. Strong Bad is behind the couch, holding up the cardboard box. We can see Strong Mad standing in the foreground watching.} STRONG BAD: {singing as he moves the box around} Doo dit doo doo! It's tough being a box! But I'm livin' it up! Livin' it up! Do dit do dit! Livin' it up! Do dit do dit do! Box! STRONG MAD: HOORAY FOR BOX!

LIMOZEEN SINGERS: It's tough being a box! But I'm livin' it up! I'm livin' it up! Livin' it up! I'm livin' it up! Box! {on "Box!", the cardboard box is thrown into the air in front of the poster}

• At the end, click on "napping Strong Sad" to see how Strong Bad used the "light pen" on Strong Sad.

{Cut to Strong Sad's room. Strong Sad is laying in bed asleep. A funny face has been drawn on him with the "light pen".} STRONG SAD: {murmuring in his sleep} Jokey Smurf... Brainy... Brainy Smurf... that Carpenter Smurf...Oh, watch out, Julian Sands!

Fun Facts

Explanations

• A High top fade is a hairstyle where the hair on the sides are cut short and the hair on the top of the head remains long and sticks up.

Trivia

• The label on the disk in the floppy disk container reads "tengen classix".
• The YouTube description for this email is "Strong Bad struggles to answer an email about haircuts."

Remarks

• "Barbzerdry" is a portmanteau.
• The cardboard box has "GLUTEMATES (BOX OF 6)" very faintly printed on it.
• Strong Bad's "permanent" marker apparently isn't permanent at all, although permanent markers frequently rub off smooth surfaces, such as the Polaroid picture of Strong Mad.
  • A few times, he does not wipe all of the Polaroid, yet all the marker is erased.
• Strong Bad can umlaut his U's and O's unusually quickly. Normally, when one needs to change the language on their keyboard, they use special keyboard shortcuts.
  • Also, he mispronounces his umlauted "U"s and "O"s.
• The "Gentleman Caller" bears a striking resemblance to Old Timey Strong Bad's mustache and hair.
• The font for the Deutschman comic book logo is the same as the one used for the words that flash on-screen when Homestar says Neva-Die in the email car.
• There are no words in the English language that begin with "ghe" that fit the context of what Strong Bad is typing when he is interrupted.
• Strong Bad says he has no hair, yet in the following email, theme park, it is shown that he at least has the ability to grow a (very thin) mustache.
• The guitar that Strong Bad draws on Strong Mad's picture is a Flying V.
  • It also appears to be a bass, based on the number of strings Strong Bad draws on it. Strong Mad is shown to be a capable bass player in Cool Tapes, Weclome Back, and Baddest of the Bands.
• Marzipan states her hair is a weave, implying that the length is due to hair extensions and is not her actual hair.

Goofs

• In the Easter egg containing Strong Bad singing the box song, his arms are much longer than normal.
• When Strong Bad is drawing on Strong Mad's picture in the close up, the Compy is much brighter than usual.
• One can click on "eyebrow style" and "napping Strong Sad" through the Strong Badman comic.

Inside References

• The Deutschman comic book is published by Cheap as Free. The comic is a reference to superhero name. The Cheat appears on it in a cape and mask—another reference to "superhero name".
• "Preeeeow" was first used to describe the noise that The Paper makes in autobiography.
• Strong Mad wants Strong Bad to make the box dance and prance.
• Strong Sad's muttering about the Smurfs in his sleep could be a reference to Strong Bad's own Couch Mumbling.

Real-World References

• In the "napping Strong Sad" Easter egg, Strong Sad says the names of Jokey Smurf and Brainy Smurf from the animated television series The Smurfs. (When Strong Sad mentions "that Carpenter Smurf", he is probably referring to Handy Smurf.)
• Julian Sands is a British horror film actor.
• When Strong Bad draws the guitar on "jagged metal" Strong Bad says that Strong Mad is playing the guitar with his teeth, he is referencing Jimi Hendrix, who gained notoriety playing "Wild Thing" with his teeth at the Woodstock Music Festival in 1969.
• "Ready for Primetime" may refer to "The Not Ready For Primetime Players," the name of the original cast of Saturday Night Live.
• When you zoom in on the comic book Easter egg where there is a picture of The Cheat, the price reads "$1.25". Below that, it reads in a smaller font "$8.00 CAN." This is probably a reference to the difference in value between U.S. and Canadian dollars (though it isn't nor has it ever been that big). This comic book is modeled after Marvel Comics of the late '80s and early '90s.
  • On the comic book, "Sufferin' Schnitzels It's...Deutschman!!" is a reference to Robin from Batman. He often used cheesy phrases fraught with alliteration.
• Hammer Pants is a nickname given to the parachute pants worn by rapper MC Hammer in the early '90s.
  • Strong Bad also adds the word "Proper" to the Hammer Pants drawing. MC Hammer was known for using this as an exclamation, most famously in a Pepsi commercial from 1991.
• Hammer Pants's eyebrow style was frequently seen on early '90s hip-hop stars, most notably Vanilla Ice.
• The barbzerdry parchment references a grade-school rhyme about cutting in line: "No cuts, no butts, no coconuts."
• "Deutsch" (pronounced "doytch") is German for "German" (the nationality or the language). A male German is called a "Deutscher".
• The LIGHT PEN mentioned by Strong Bad was an accessory for a vector-graphics video game system known as the Vectrex.
• When Marzipan talks about growing her hair out for charity, she is referring to organizations such as Locks of Love, which lets people grow their hair long and then donate it after it is cut, so that it can be made into wigs for ill people who have lost their hair.

Fast Forward

• The "Sweetie Cakes" character Strong Bad inadvertently creates in this email, Ready For Primetime, appears later in Decemberween Sweet Cuppin' Cakes and mini-golf.
• The scissors that Strong Bad uses are the same ones as the "snip-snipperrooskies" Marzipan uses in lady fan.
• In Dangeresque 3: The Criminal Projective, Marzipan doesn't allow Strong Bad to cut her hair.
• A variation of Strong Sad's line "Watch out, Julian Sands!" would be said in Record Store Day.

DVD Version

• The music during Strong Bad's hair-search scene ends early.
• The DVD version features hidden creators' commentary. To access it, switch your DVD player's audio language selection while watching.

Commentary Transcript

(Commentary by: Matt Chapman, Ryan Sterritt, Jonathan Howe)

RYAN: This is— This is Matt Chapman here.

MATT: This is Ryan, Mark.

JON: And I don't have anyone else to pretend to be, so I'm Jonathan. {laughs}

MATT: {laughs} Uh no, look, this is Matt. Um—

JON: Ryan...

RYAN: Ron D.

MATT: What do you guys think of this? Do you really think this is from a dude in Germany? It sounds like from a German, actually, even.

RYAN: Wasn't Düsseldorf John Denver's real last name?

MATT: Really? I don't know.

RYAN: John Düsseldorf.

MATT: Nice.

RYAN: Switched it to Denver—

{Matt laughs}

RYAN: for his folky songs.

MATT: Yeah, exactly. Figured that sounded...

JON: more American.

MATT: Yeah, definitely.

RYAN: I like the blurry backgrounds.

MATT: You do that? You like that? The rack focus, sorta?

RYAN: I do.

MATT: Well I guess we're not rack focusing, but—

RYAN: You do do that sometimes.

MATT: Sometimes we do that. We do have—

JON: Does Homestar have hair?

MATT: Ha—hair?

JON: Hair.

MATT: No, see, he called him "baldy". That's sort of a joke.

RYAN: Marzipan has some blonde hair.

MATT: She does. She's mostly bald on top. She has a very receded hair line.

JON: I wanna— I wanna Easter egg right there on the word "wizardry" which shows that screenshot from—

RYAN: We got it. Check the alternate angle.

MATT: There's barbzerdry.

JON: {laughing} Barbzerdry.

RYAN: That's a card.

MATT: That shows his, uh, card.

JON: I'm just, totally...wait, no. I mean like the game "Wizardry". Remember the game?

MATT: Oh, oh. Gotcha, sorry.

RYAN: I like your Polaroid...fading in. That's a good—

MATT: Thanks. It looks pretty good. I think Mike did that. I think this might have been one that Mike— I was out of town again and Mike ended up finishing. But, hey, I record all the voices, you guys!

JON: Not lately, man. I mean, Shark-Tooth Bubs is a central figure on the site now.

MATT: Not really. He still hasn't appeared on the site, actually.

JON: Yeah, he's very important. {laughs}

RYAN: Um, I like how you guys rub off sharpie from the Polaroid—

MATT: Yeah, it works. You've never done that? It works like dry-erase.

{All three laugh in turn}

MATT: Totally.

JON: Polaroids are actually a great dry-erase surface. I don't know if you know that.

MATT: If you're using a dry-erase marker it probably would work, but not the sharpie.

JON: Not the permanent... See, we're just setting up the—later on, he's gonna have a tough time rubbing off paint pen.

MATT: Yeah, that's sorta—

JON: That's great. {laughs}

RYAN: —was a good—

JON: Favorite hair style thus far? Yeah, you're starting to lose me on, yeah, the chin.

MATT: What? You don't like this one?

JON: I was, you had me at, you had me at—

RYAN: You had me at chin strap. This is one of my favorites, though.

{Matt and Jon laugh}

RYAN: I think it's pretty hilarious. That, that got me the first time.

MATT: Really?

RYAN: It did.

MATT: You made it laugh?

JON: It takes a lot to make Ryan laugh.

MATT: A chuckle laugh?

RYAN: I am not a laugher.

JON: Is that "Ready—"? That's the name of—

MATT: Yeah. I mean, we've never— It's never been referred to, but I would imagine—

JON: His name is "Ready For Primetime?"

MATT: —that Sweet Cuppin' Cakes Universe's name is "Ready For Primetime".

JON: You made the poster, see.

MATT: {character voice} Ready For Primetime, you and Eh! Steve are in cahoots!

MATT: {returns to normal voice} That sort of thing?

RYAN: It's good, it's good.

MATT: Thanks.

JON: {laughing} Did you spell "Deutschman" right?

MATT: I think so. I think that's "Deutsch", correct? And with "man" added in.

RYAN: Deutschmarks.

JON: Sounds like a pretzel. Sounds like a type of pretzel.

RYAN: That's all. Wait.

JON: There's more?

Fun Facts

• John Denver's real name was Henry John Deutschendorf, Jr., not Düsseldorf.
• Shark-Tooth Bubs finally makes a speaking appearance on the site on Main Page 25, three years and one month since the release of the DVD this commentary was recorded on.
• This is the only strongbad_email.exe commentary to not include an appearance by Mike Chapman.

External Links

• watch "haircut"
• watch "haircut" on YouTube
• watch "haircut" on the old Flash site
• view the Flash file for "haircut"
• forum thread re: "haircut"