replacement

"Please don't dig up the grave."

Strong Bad looks for a replacement for when he retires from answering emails.

Cast (in order of appearance): Strong Bad, The Cheat, Strong Sad, Strong Mad, Bubs, Coach Z, Homestar Runner, Marzipan, Homsar

Places: Computer Room, The Field, Basement of the Brothers Strong, Marzipan's House, The Stage

Computer: Compy 386

Date: Tuesday, June 8, 2004

Running Time: 3:22

Page Title: Compy 386!!

DVD:strongbad email.exe Disc Four

Transcript

STRONG BAD: Our next show, is a family show. It... is... the email.

{reading}

>Dear Strong Bad,
>Have you ever thought who will take
>your place when you retire?
>
>Your friend,
>Jeffrey Desterhoft

STRONG BAD: {typing} You've got a good point there, Jeffy. I suppose I can't keep checking these e-mails forever. I never really thought about finding an heir to my throne before. Come to think of it, what ever happened to my throne?

{Strong Bad stops typing, picks up a phone, and talks into it, making a sound like a loudspeaker in a supermarket}

STRONG BAD: Attention The Cheat. Customer needs assistance in email. Customer needs assistance in email.

{Strong Bad puts down the phone, which is not attached to anything. The Cheat arrives in a blue employee's vest with his name on it}

STRONG BAD: The Cheat, didn't I used to have a throne of some kind?

THE CHEAT: {points at the stool and makes The Cheat noises.}

STRONG BAD: No, no, no, this is my stool. I'm talking about a throne. You know, it had, like... gold nuggets on it, and... a hundred cup holders... some of them velvety cushions... you know, a throne. And I think I had a motorcycle, too. See if you can find those.

THE CHEAT: {The Cheat noises, leaves}

STRONG BAD: {typing} I guess the best way to find a replacement is to subject a bunch of applicants to the same rigorous screening process that I subjected myself to {begins to sound unsure of what he is saying} when I started checking these emails?

{Cut to Strong Bad and Homestar standing in the Field.}

STRONG BAD: I'm gonna hold up a last name, and you make fun of it. {holds up a cue card with the word "Gargleman" written on it} Gargleman.

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Crapface.

STRONG BAD: {holds up a cue card that reads "Dumweiner"} Dumweiner.

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Uhhhh, Crapface.

STRONG BAD: {changes cue card to "Butkus"} Butkus.

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Crapface.

STRONG BAD: {changes cue card to "Crambert"} Crambert.

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Crapface?

STRONG BAD: {changes cue card to "Desterhoft"} Desterhoft.

HOMESTAR RUNNER: {without hesitation} Let me think about it Crapface.

STRONG BAD: Whoa! Perfect score!

{Cut to the computer room with Strong Bad and Coach Z in front of the Compy.}

STRONG BAD: Let's hear your best "deleted."

{He presses a button on the keyboard and the Compy displays DELETED on a blue background, making the standard DELETED sound.}

>DELETED!

COACH Z: DELORTED!

{The Compy flashes DELORTED on a dark yellow-green background and makes a distorted version of the DELETED sound. Strong Bad looks surprised.}

>DELORTED!

{Cut to the basement with Strong Bad and Bubs and a cardboard box with Strong Sad drawn on it sitting on the couch.}

STRONG BAD: Strong Sad's on the couch, watching TV. What do you do?

BUBS: Kick him in the teeth!

STRONG BAD: That's good, that's good, even though he might not have any teeth. What else?

BUBS: Kick him in the grill! {pumps his elbow}

STRONG BAD: Yeah, yeah! Keep going!

BUBS: {turns to face Strong Bad} Kick you in the grill!

{Bubs starts to approach Strong Bad, waving his arms and yelling menacingly}

STRONG BAD: {nervously} No, no, Bubs, calm down, this is only a drill!

{Cut to Marzipan's house with Strong Bad and Marzipan holding Carol.}

STRONG BAD: Let's hear your best "scroll buttons" song.

MARZIPAN: {singing and playing the guitar} And that's why I like to scroll, with scroll buttons!

STRONG BAD: {sarcastically} Oh, right, right, the worst song I ever heard. Play another one!

MARZIPAN: {singing and playing the guitar} Scroll buttons are good, they move you up and down, they take you to...

{Strong Bad groans. Cut to the basement, with Strong Bad, Strong Sad, and the same cardboard box with Strong Sad on it.}

STRONG BAD: Okay, Strong Sad, Strong Sad's on the couch, watching TV. What do you do?

STRONG SAD: Go make him some hummus!

STRONG BAD: Hummus?! No, try something else.

STRONG SAD: Uh... Give him a foot massage!

STRONG BAD: {looks at Strong Sad's soolnds, mouth agape} Those are not feet!

{Cut to the field with Homestar, Strong Bad and The Cheat. The Cheat is wearing a cardboard box that has a drawing of himself on it.}

STRONG BAD: Now I want you to pretend this is The Cheat, and give him a good, swift, kick in The Cheat!

HOMESTAR RUNNER: {bends one of his legs back, then pauses} Umm... {puts his leg back down} Crapface.

{Cut to Strong Bad in front of his computer}

STRONG BAD: Ugh. {typing} This screening process is neither processing nor screening very well. I suppose I should cut to the chase and haul out the big guns...DANCE CONTEST!

{Cut to a stage. Music is playing. We see the top part of Strong Bad's head watching each contestant.}

{The first contestant is Marzipan, who spins her ponytail around while moving her head left and right.}

{Cut to Coach Z, who taps his right foot while waving his arms behind his head one after the other.}

{Cut to Strong Sad, who is simply pointing his fingers.}

{Cut to Bubs shaking his arms while leaning forward and then jumping up and down.}

{Cut to Strong Mad, who simply stands in place and yells:}

STRONG MAD: I'M STRONG MAD! I'M STRONG MAD!

{Cut to Homsar, who shuffles his feet all along the stage.}

{The camera then cuts to and zooms in on Homestar, who is lit by a spotlight. The music changes to the ending of a slow, dramatic song.}

HOMESTAR RUNNER: {singing} And then I put it on my faaaaace...

{Cut to Strong Bad at his computer.}

STRONG BAD: {typing} Uh, this dance contest is neither contesting {pronounces "contesting" as "CON-test-ing"} nor dancing very well. Looks like I'm gonna be checking e-mails and kicking Cheats 'til the day I die. {stops typing} Whoa, that'd make an awesome tattoo! Or an even better epitaph!

{Cut to the field at night. A blank tombstone is on the foreground, and as we hear Strong Bad's voice, his words are carved on the slab.}

STRONG BAD: {voiceover} Here lies Strong Bad

{underneath, in slightly smaller letters}

STRONG BAD: {voiceover} "Checking e-mails and kicking Cheats in the hereafter"

{underneath}

STRONG BAD: {voiceover} Buried with his hundred girlfriends

{underneath}

STRONG BAD: {voiceover} And like, a jillion dollars

{underneath, in even smaller letters}

STRONG BAD: {voiceover} Please don't dig up the grave.

{The Paper comes down}

Easter Eggs

• At the end, click on the word "Cheats" to see another exchange between Strong Bad and The Cheat. {Cut to The Cheat near his light switch, still wearing his uniform.} STRONG BAD: {offscreen, into speakerphone} A-ttention The Cheat! THE CHEAT: {The Cheat noises} STRONG BAD: Have you found that motorcycle yet? {slight pause} Maybe check in our... stock room. THE CHEAT: {The Cheat noises, leaves} STRONG BAD: And Dana needs more quarters on register three.

Fun Facts

Explanations

• Hummus is a paste of pureed chickpeas usually mixed with sesame oil or sesame paste and eaten as a dip or sandwich spread.

Trivia

• The label on the disk in the floppy disk container reads "alone in the dark".
• The YouTube description for this email is "Who will check his emails when Strong Bad retires? Aforementioned Strong Bad tries to find out."
• Since the font called Engravers MT is used, the first quotation mark on Strong Bad's gravestone is backwards.

Remarks

DELORTED!

• Strong Bad uses a disconnected telephone.
• Strong Bad doesn't interview Strong Mad or Homsar, yet they still take part in the dance contest; he also doesn't interview The Cheat.
• Strong Bad interviews characters who are older than he is as potential "replacements" such as Coach Z and Bubs.
• The visible "DELET" part of the DELETED text is the same size as the "DELOR" part of Coach Z's "DELORTED". At that size, part of the final D and the exclamation point (which are included in the Flash file) wouldn't fit on the screen.
• When Strong Bad types "DANCE CONTEST!" the initial D appears unusually close to the final period in the preceding ellipsis, probably as a result of trying to avoid splitting the phrase at a line break.
• Homsar's walking sound is not heard as he walks back and forth.

Goofs

• When The Cheat turns to exit, his nametag switches sides and is reversed.
• The sign above Marzipan normally reads "Thank You". In this email, it appears to be blank due to a positioning error in the Flash file.
• At the end of the email the moon is facing the back of the gravestone, but the shadow is in front of the moon and the other side is bright.
• Marzipan's hair spins in front of her dress, as if it were going through her neck.
• When Strong Bad asks Coach Z for his best "DELETED!", the computer screen displays the text he typed before asking The Cheat about his throne.

Inside References

• Homestar's repeated use of "crapface" is related to the way he answered his first email in 50 emails.
• Bubs's moves in the dance contest come from the game Dancin' Bubs.
• Strong Bad first kicked The Cheat in little animal.
• Strong Bad previously mentioned gold nuggets in his character video.

Real-World References

• The Cheat is wearing a blue uniform, typical of Wal-Mart employees, but Strong Bad uses a red phone, typical of Target stores.
• The name "Butkus" refers to Chicago Bears Hall-Of-Fame linebacker Dick Butkus.
• A grill often refers to the dental object people (most prominently rappers) wear on their teeth, but can also mean the mouth/teeth themselves.
• Coach Z's dance is similar to a popular hardcore dance referred to as "Shootin' the arrow".

Fast Forward

• Marzipan's first scroll button song was later used on the Strong Bad Email Menu, despite him saying that it was the worst song he ever heard.
• Strong Bad would later decide to not die at all in your funeral.
• Marzipan's dance moves would be seen again in nightlife.
• The graves for the eleven former Kings of Town would be shown, in similar style to Strong Bad's grave, in original.
• Strong Sad was shown to have teeth after all in narrator, where he can be seen brushing them. He does this again in concert.

DVD Version

• The DVD version features hidden creator's commentary. To access it, switch the DVD player's audio language selection while watching.

Commentary Transcript

(Commentary by: Matt Chapman, Mike Chapman)

MATT: What's he's saying right now is from an old audio recording that I made.

MIKE: Yeah, Matt, before we had a video camera, he and his friend, you know, would just make movies and...

MATT: Radio plays!

MIKE: On, aha, on audio cassette! He had a bad tape recorder.

MATT: And our friend TJ said that, and he could, he was like four or something and couldn't talk very well, or at least couldn't re-memorize lines at the time 'cuz he was so young, and it was called "The Hostess Cake": "Our next show is a family show. It is... The Hostess Cake"... Mike, how did he do that with his voice?! That phone's clearly not plugged in!

MIKE: It's like Coach Z's phone from another cartoon. I dunno. I dunno, Matt. I just make the cartoons.

MATT: That's clearly a Wal-Mart vest that The Cheat is wearing there, I think, Mike.

MIKE: Also, there's "Alone in the Dark" back there. Is that... this is, okay, this is before that horrible "Alone in the Dark" movie that just came out.

MATT: Oh, yeah, did that already come out?

MIKE: Yeah! It was just in the theater for, like, two days.

MATT: Yeah. Bad idea.

{pause}

MIKE: So, what are we— Which one is this? Replacements?

MATT: Yeah, he's trying to find an heir to the throne!

MATT: Oooooh.

{pause until Strong Bad holds up the "Desterhoft" card}

MIKE: {sarcastic "surprised" voice} Hey, that's the name of the guy that sent the email!

MATT: {similar voice} That's a funny name.

MIKE: {imitates the "Deleted" buzzer, then again as Strong Bad deletes the email}

MATT: {of "DELORTED"} Oof. That brown screen is gross. I like it. Now this is our friend Craig Zobel, who... you all know. His favorite thing ever on our website is right here where Bubs attacks Strong Bad.

MIKE: That's just me being ba—being a lazy animator. It wasn't supposed to be funny.

MATT: {partially over the last line} No, that was you being a genius.

MIKE: It wasn't supposed to be funny.

MATT: It's hilarious.

MIKE: Didn't you record Strong Bad singing one of these scroll buttons songs for the scroll button menu?

MATT: Mm-hmm. I did.

MIKE: We oughta use that.

MATT: Never have. Maybe we should. It's been the same one for a while now.

MIKE: Yeah.

MATT: {of the box with Strong Sad's image} That Strong Sad drawing is pretty great. The Cheat clearly drew that for him. {after Strong Bad's "Those are not feet."} What are they called, Mike?

MIKE: Soolnds?

MATT: Soolnd.

{pause}

MATT: Um...

MIKE: So we got a dance party coming up where Coach Z is doing our friend Claire's dance.

MATT: Mm-hmm. I remember... that's a good dance.

MIKE: There it is.

MATT: The Claire dance. I don't know if Claire knows that we have Coach Z doing her dance.

MIKE: Does she know we have a name for her dance?

MATT: I don't know if she knows that either. I hope she doesn't get mad.

MIKE: I did all this. That's why the dances are pretty lame.

MATT: Homestar is singing in a dance contest, Mike. He doesn't, he obviously doesn't know what's going on.

MIKE: Even if it was a singing contest, it was a pretty bad song.

MATT: Yeah.

MIKE: I dunno what he's talking about, but I dunno what he just put on his face.

{they laugh}

MATT: It's a great song, I think. It's very interesting. It makes you wonder. What did— and what happened that spawned that?

MIKE: I don't wanna know.

{pause until The Paper}

MIKE: {sighs} That's it.

MATT: Preeeow.

Fun Facts

• Hostess is a manufacturer of various snack cakes and pastries, most famously the Twinkie.
• The critically panned 2005 film Alone in the Dark, a box-office failure, was based on the video game of the same name, which was in the Floppy Disk Container in this email.

External Links

• watch "replacement"
• watch "replacement" on YouTube
• watch "replacement" on the old Flash site
• view the Flash file for "replacement"
• forum thread re: "replacement"