Property of ones

This article is about the Strong Bad Email. For the theorem, see Bogus Mathematical Theorems.

A needlepoint moral

Strong Bad talks about Cold Ones, with a few tweaks at standard algebra.

Cast (in order of appearance): Strong Bad

Places: Computer Room

Computer: Tandy 400

Date: Monday, August 5, 2002

Running Time: 1:19

Page Title: Tandy 400: Still Bloke.

DVD:strongbad email.exe Disc One

SBEmail Menu Description: Strong Bad makes up some bogus mathematic equations about cold ones.

Transcript

STRONG BAD: {singing} Gimme some of this and gimme some of thiiiiis... Gimme some of this. {stops singing}

>Hey Strong Bad,
>
>How's it hanging? Last weekend I almost drank a one
>that was not cold. Has this ever happened to you?
>
>Dan Waters
>Dallas, TX

{Strong Bad pronounces TX as "Tejas"}

STRONG BAD: {clears screen, typing} Aw, Dan, you dodged a bullet, man. Because lemme tell you... a One that is not cold, is scarcely a One at all. Allow me to demonstrate with one of my bogus mathematical theorems. {stops typing} I call it {resumes typing} "The Property of Ones". {stops typing} It goes like this: {resumes typing} The ONEitude is directly proportional to the Colditude of the ONE. So you got that, Dan? The colder it is, the more of a one it is. Because you don't want to end up with a Cold None. I wouldn't wish that on anybody. But now in foreign lands, they've been known to drink {stops typing} Not So Cold Ones {a bottle of "Not So Cold One" appears}, Room Temperature Ones {a bottle of "Room Temp-A-Ture One" appears}, and even Warm Ones {a bottle of "Wärm Öne" appears}. Whoa! {clears screen, resumes typing} But where I come from, it's CUH-HOLD ONES. Though I have to admit, on certain evenings in late spring, a Cool One can be very refreshing. {stops typing} Ooh... That's a good One.

{A needlepoint picture of three "Cold One" bottles with the caption "A One That Isn't Cold, Is Scarcely A One At All" appears on the screen. The Paper comes down.}

Fun Facts

Trivia

• This is the last email that has no Easter Eggs until email #133, "bottom 10".
• The bottle of Not So Cold One states that they are served at "90 degrees or higher". This would make them far warmer than Room Temp-a-ture Ones, room temperature being somewhere in the low to mid 70s, but cooler than Warm Ones, which come "straight from the oven".
• The YouTube description for this email is: "Strong Bad makes up some bogus mathematic equations about cold ones."

Remarks

• The needlepoint saying is improperly punctuated; it shouldn't have a comma between "cold" and "is".
• The back button has been written in needlepoint, but it is on the frame of the picture.
• Ironically, beer loses its flavor at colder temperatures.
• When Strong Bad types "the less of a one it is", he doesn't capitalize the word "one".

Inside References

• Strong Bad refers to the Property of Ones as "one of [his] bogus mathematical theorems" — the first was the Transitive Butt Property in butt IQ.

Real-World References

• The page title, "Still bloke", may be a reference to the Japanese language pronouncing "l" and "r" the same. When switched, it's "broke", which actually fits contextually.
  • It is possible that this is a double reference, since the "foreign land" where they drink Wärm Önes would be assumed to be England or the British Isles, where a "bloke" is a casual reference to a male, generally equivalent to the vernacular "guy".

Fast Forward

• The Brothers Chaps later created a needlepoint animation using the same corkboard and wall background seen at the end of this toon.

External Links

• watch "property of ones"
• watch "property of ones" on YouTube
• watch "property of ones" on the old Flash site
• view the Flash file for "property of ones"