The facts

"I guess if he lived in Cubeland, it might work."

Strong Bad tells Jess G. from OH why Strong Mad doesn't have his own cartoon.

Cast (in order of appearance): Strong Bad, Strong Mad, Homestar Runner

Places: Computer Room, Cubeland, Strong Mad's Room, Basement of the Brothers Strong

Computer: Compy 386

Date: Monday, September 20, 2004

Running Time: 2:53

Page Title: Compy 386!!

DVD:strongbad email.exe Disc Four

Transcript

STRONG BAD: {singing} I'm checkin' email, I'm checkin' email. Hey, hey, I'm checkin' email, I'm checkin' email.

{reading}

>Dear Strong Bad,
>
>I was just wondering, why doesn't
>Strong Mad have his own cartoon?
>
>Your fan,
>Jess G. OH

{He pronounces "Dear Strong Bad" as "Dah Sto Bo" and "Jess G. OH" as "Jess... G'oh!!"}

STRONG BAD: {typing} Well, Jess, as much as I cherish brother Graw Mad, let's look at the facts:

{A grid appears on the screen and lines "scan" across from top to bottom and then left to right, revealing an image of Strong Mad next to which it says "Fact 1:"}

STRONG BAD: Fact one: The guy's got a pretty tenuous grasp on the English language.

{"Tenuous grasp of the English language" appears on the screen.}

STRONG BAD: For examplé: {pronounced ex-AM-play}

{Cut to Strong Bad at his desk. He turns on his stool and calls off screen.}

STRONG BAD: Hey, Strong Mad! What, uh... What's my favorite movie?

STRONG MAD: {from off-screen} GARBLEDINA!

{Cut back to the screen where it says "Fact 2:"}

STRONG BAD: Fact two: Garbledina.

{"Garbledina" appears on the screen and the illustrated Strong Mad's eyebrows raise. Strong Bad strikes a key and "Fact 3" appears.}

STRONG BAD: Fact three: He's like a big square, this guy.

{"Like a big square" appears and a box encloses the image of Strong Mad, which looks around nervously. The left and bottom edges are labeled "88 in."}

STRONG BAD: I don't really know if that has anything to do with why he doesn't have his own cartoon. But it's just weird, is all.

{"Just weird is all" appears on the screen}

STRONG BAD: Un... settling.

{"Unsettling" appears.}

{Cut to a landscape filled with blue and pink cubes and a yellow sky. Strong Mad appears with a loud "thud."}

STRONG BAD: I guess if he lived in Cubeland, it might work, but... Cubeland—

{A "Cubeland" logo flies in from the right and comes to rest in the upper-left corner. Strong Mad looks around a bit.}

STRONG BAD: —is a place I just made up, so... on to fact four.

{Cut back to Strong Bad's screen which now reads "Fact 4."}

STRONG BAD: Zero volume control.

{"No volume control" appears on the screen.}

STRONG BAD: Once again, obsoive.

{The Strong Mad image glances at the text.}

{Cut to Strong Mad sitting behind a table with a small orange clay dinosaur and yellow and green clay upright cylinders. Strong Bad enters from the left.}

STRONG BAD: {whispering} Hey, biggest bro. Mom says to keep it down 'cause baby Strong Sad's sleeping.

STRONG MAD: I CAN BE THE QUIETEST MOUSE!

{He holds up his right hand, index finger, and thumb together to demonstrate something very small, like a mouse.}

STRONG MAD: I LIVE IN THE QUIETEST HOUSE!

{He holds up his other hand in the same position.}

{Cut back to the screen. "Fact 5" is on the screen.}

STRONG BAD: Fact five: Directorial inexperience.

{"Directorial inexperience" appears on the screen.}

{Pull out to Strong Bad typing the email.}

STRONG BAD: {typing} Considering the only movie Strong Mad's ever made is 'Doug the Dino,' I doubt he'd be able to handle an entire cartoon on his own.

{Cut to the television. After some static, a grainy video appears and a claymation cartoon begins. A title made out of clay which says "DOUG THE DiNO" (the "O" in Dino is in the shape of an egg) appears.}

STRONG MAD: {narrating} DINOSAUR!

{Cut to the two clay cylinders. The clay dinosaur enters. Strong Mad makes various noises to go along with the action. Doug the Dino roars. The green cylinder flips over like a Slinky and a smiling face appears on it. Suddenly, Doug the Dino attacks it and it spills clay blood. While Doug is eating the green cylinder, a tape dispenser can be seen for a few frames. The yellow cylinder appears to flee as Doug licks his lips. A clay toilet enters and Doug presses the flush lever. The seat lifts and a red appendage appears out of the toilet, grasps Doug by the face, and pulls him in. The green cylinder "sits up" and smiles and Strong Mad's hand can be seen leaning on the table for a few frames.}

{Cut back to the Compy 386.}

STRONG BAD: {typing} Y'see? Misguided direction, no comedic timing, and the script is riddled with gaping plot holes. {not typing} And finally, {typing} Fact 6: Have you seen his computer?!?

{Cut to Strong Mad's room, where Strong Mad has decorated a paper bag to look like the Tandy 400 (with the word "DiSK" on the screen) and an up-turned cardboard box to look like Strong Bad's Floppy Disk Container (which says "disks").}

STRONG MAD: E-COMMERCE! E-BUSINESS!!

{Cut back to the Compy 386.}

STRONG BAD: {typing} So let's review. Fact 1: Ehgh--

{Pull out to Homestar Runner sitting on the desk, facing away from Strong Bad.}

HOMESTAR RUNNER: {speaking quietly} I want my own cartoon, Strong Bad.

STRONG BAD: What? I'm over here!

HOMESTAR RUNNER: {still quietly} Oh. {turns to face Strong Bad} I want my own cartoon, Pom Pom.

STRONG BAD: Homestar, a cartoon starring you would be horrible. It'd just be you saying "Sewiously" all the time and acting like a moron... all the time.

HOMESTAR RUNNER: {normally} No, no! Not no more! I got a new catchphrase!

STRONG BAD: No.

HOMESTAR RUNNER: You wanna hear it?

STRONG BAD: No!

HOMESTAR RUNNER: I'd be all the time sayin' "That's bupkis!" {whispering} Oh, sorry. "That's bupkis!"

STRONG BAD: What are you whispering for?

HOMESTAR RUNNER: {whispering} Because! Baby Strong Sad is sleeping!

STRONG BAD: Now, you see this disgusting little chit-chat we're having here? This is what your cartoon would be like.

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Then it'd be a number one hit! {singing} And that's the end of my show! DONK!

{The Paper comes down.}

STRONG BAD: Hey!

Easter Eggs

"We're coming right back after these messages!"

• Clicking on "Script" shows the entire script for Strong Mad's epic film, 'Doug the Dino'.

>int: dinosaur - day
>go dougie!!
>RAWR!!
>toilet. (drawing of a toilet)

• Click on Homestar's star at the end to see Homestar's commercial break bumper.

{A screen featuring Homestar holding a Popsicle and the words "We'll Be Right Back!" appears} HOMESTAR RUNNER: {singing, voiceover} Homestar Runner will be right right back!
Homestar Runner will be right right back!
Homestar Runner will be right right back!
We're coming right back after these messages!
We're coming right back after these messageeeees...

Fun Facts

Explanations

• "Bupkis" is a Yiddish word (meaning "beans") used in English to mean "nothing" or "something worthless". Sample usage: "I work here for him ten hours a day, all week, and what does he give me? Bupkis!"

Trivia

• This is The Brothers Chaps' claymation debut on homestarrunner.com.
• The box on Strong Mad's desk that says 'disks' on it also reads 'NOT CAR PARTS' upside down.
• The label on the disk in the floppy disk container reads "thexder".
• The font in which Strong Bad types the facts is Westminster, the font used on the Tandy 400.
• The YouTube description for this email is "Everyone wants to know why Strong Mad doesn't have a cartoon. Well, one person wants to know. Strong Bad gives a rock solid explanation."

Remarks

• If Strong Bad's measurements are correct, Strong Mad is 88 inches, or 7'4" (2.2 m), tall and wide. However, The Cheat implied in i she be that Strong Mad is 6 feet (1.8 m) tall. Meanwhile, according to a page that is no longer linked from the main site, Strong Mad weighs 900 lbs (408 kg) and is 8'3" (2.5 m) tall. Of course, Strong Mad is not actually a square; in fact, he's about 7.25% taller than he is wide. (The measurement lines shown in this email aren't even the same size.) So, based on the dimensions given, if he were 7'4" (2.2 m) wide, he would be approximately 8 feet (2.4 m) tall. On the other hand, if he were 88 inches (2.2 m) tall, he would only be about 82 inches (2.1 m) wide. Finally, if he were 6 feet (1.8 m) tall, he would be a mere 5'7" (1.7 m) wide.
  • These measurements also do not correspond with the measurements of the other characters.
  • In Marshmallow's Last Stand, Strong Bad's and Strong Mad's weight combined is stated to be 1,000,000 pounds (453,592 kg). If Strong Bad weighs 150 pounds (68 kg), then Strong Mad supposedly weighs about 999,850 pounds (453,532 kg). This contradicts Strong Bad's quote saying that he is 900 pounds.
    • If Marshmallow's Last Stand and this email are both to be trusted, this would put Strong Bad at about 999,100 pounds, even though Strong Mad seems to be heavier than Strong Bad, as evidenced in multiple cartoons.
• Strong Mad seems to be making "Doug the Dino" in the scene of him in his room, as there is a toy dinosaur and a green cylinder-shaped block on his table.
• Homestar Runner has claimed that "That's bupkis!" is his new catch phrase (to replace "Seriously..."), but he hasn't said it since this email debuted.
• There are no English words beginning with "Ehgh", what Strong Bad starts to type when Homestar interrupts him.

Fixed Glitches

• When this email was first released, if the eject button on the video recorder was clicked on during "Doug the Dino", the loading screen would appear and freeze. This may be due to the VCR being copied from the "Characters" menu, in which the eject button causes Homsar's tape to pop out. The eject button is now unclickable.

Inside References

• The TV set that plays "Doug The Dino" is the Telebision from the Old Telebision Toons Menu.
• The VCR (in which the display is still blinking 12:00) is the same one that appears on the "Characters" menu and the emails 12:00 and dangeresque 3.
• This is the first time that Strong Bad calls Strong Mad "Graw Mad". According to the commentary for car, this is what TBC's niece used to call Strong Mad (she also called Strong Sad "Gron Sad", a name which Strong Bad used in car).
• "Doug The Dino" could be a reference to Strong Mad's managing to say "Douglas" in an Easter egg for the email sibbie, after Strong Bad tried to get him to say it in cheat talk.
• Strong Bad mentions his mom.
• Strong Mad's computer has the word "DiSK" written on it, and the title screen for the movie reads "DOUG THE DiNO", which are both instances of lowercase i's.

Real-World References

• The way Strong Bad says Jess G.OH's last name is a reference to The Simpsons, in which one of Homer Simpson's catch phrases is "D'oh!".
• The tune Homestar sings to in the Easter egg is the same tune as the intermission theme from Namco's Pac-Man.
• The "We'll Be Right Back!" song and screen are in the style of Saturday morning cartoon show bumpers of the 1970s, '80s, and '90s, which frequently included lead-outs and lead-ins with freeze-frames (or animations) of the characters along with quirky jingles about the show returning.

Fast Forward

• The background drum beat which is heard during the Cubeland scene would be reused in Bug In Mouth Disease.
  • Homestar's Popsicle from the Easter egg is reused for the ice cream bars in the same toon.
• The Brothers Chaps used stop-motion animation again in death metal to animate Taranchula's music video.
• "Doug the Dino" would later be mentioned in the short Sbemail 150?!?.
• Homestar would get his own email show in email thunder, which would be continued in Hremail 62 and Hremail 2000.
• Strong Mad does eventually create a "full length" cartoon of his own, Swordguys Versus Skullguys.
• A variant of "Garbledina" appears in Back to a Website when Strong Bad accidentally knocks himself unconscious by jumping into Strong Mad's crazebox, causing him to mumble out "Mumbledina".

DVD Version

• The "Doug The Dino" script Easter egg has been disabled.
• The DVD version features hidden creators' commentary. To access it, switch the DVD player's audio language selection while watching.

Commentary Transcript

(Commentary by: Matt Chapman, Mike Chapman, Marzipan)

MATT: OK, guys. It's Matt, Mike, and Marzipan. And, this is the one called "the facts." It's all about brother Strong Mad.

MARZIPAN: It is about brother Strong Mad. And he is actually my favorite brother.

MATT: Really? So you like him best?

MIKE: Seems you get along with Strong Sad pretty well. I didn't realize you and Strong Mad got along so well.

MATT: Yeah, don't tell Strong Sad that.

MARZIPAN: Well Strong—

MATT: You're his only friend.

MARZIPAN: Well, I know, but that's, you know, not how I feel on my end.

MATT: I remember uh, Andy Cooper. The Coopers had Thexder. Uh, which is the game that's in his little floppy disk box there.

MIKE: It's like a space ship game?

MATT: You'd— You look like one of those things from Robotech, yeah. You'd be a jet and then a robot.

MARZIPAN: Which brother is this?

MATT: {laughing} That's Strong Mad. The one you said was your favorite.

MARZIPAN: Oh, I made a mistake.

MATT: Oh. That's not your favorite.

MIKE: Who's your favorite?

MATT: What do you think of Cubeland there? Would you like to visit that place Marzipan?

MARZIPAN: {gasps} It looks like my freezer.

MATT: Does it?!

MIKE: You got some. What do you got in there? Ice cubes—

MATT: Some iridescent cubes in there?

MARZIPAN: I do.

MIKE: Jello cubes?

MARZIPAN: Uh, no Jello cubes.

MATT: Look! See there? Strong Mad's making some Claymation there. Just like Mike and I used to as young boys.

MARZIPAN: Really?

MIKE: Strong Mad's got some sweet wallpaper in his bedroom.

MATT: Yeah, I want that in my bedroom.

MIKE: Yeah—

MATT: What do you think of that wallpaper up there, Marzipan?

MARZIPAN: I like wallpaper. I prefer wallpaper over paint jobs.

MATT: Really?

MARZIPAN: Yes.

MATT: It's much harder to put up, though.

MIKE: I don't think you have wallpaper in your house. I think you have paint.

MARZIPAN: Well, guess what? I wish I had wallpaper. {long pause}. Oooh, that's cool. That's on your desk, Mike. {referring to where Strong Mad's Claymation takes place}

MATT: So this, um, so this Claymation movie is pretty much ninety percent of Claymation movies Mike and I made.

MIKE: Yeah, Matt's a—

MATT: It usually involved a toilet. A dinosaur.

MARZIPAN: Who made this?

MIKE: Matt did. Matt was a very good— He's an award-winning Claymation animator in nineteen eighty... eight?

MATT: Nine.

MIKE: Eighty nine?

MARZIPAN: What award did he win?

MIKE: He won some international film—

MATT: Media Festival.

MIKE: International Media Festival—

MARZIPAN: I won an award once.

MIKE: What— What award?

MATT: {excitedly interrupts} Look! Wait! That's wrong! That box is floating in front of that bag, Mike.

MARZIPAN: The award—

MIKE: Wow!

MATT: We need to change that.

MARZIPAN: The award—

MIKE: You think that's on the website?

MIKE: Yeah.

MARZIPAN: It was the award for importance.

MIKE: {somewhat mockingly} The award for importance?

MARZIPAN: Yes! It was internationally recognized.

MATT: {holding back laughter} As being important?

MARZIPAN: Well, that and—

MIKE: What was the award itself? Was it a medal? Or a trophy?

MARZIPAN: It was a virtual award.

MATT: {changing the subject} It looks like Strong Bad and Homestar are really hashing out some issues here. Sitting down and spending some quality time—

MARZIPAN: Yeah, he likes to perch on the end of desks and things. Doesn't he look cute?

MATT: He does look kinda cute like that.

MARZIPAN: {voluptuously} I think he has a good body.

{Mike starts to laugh}

MATT: What? {scolding} Marzipan!

MARZIPAN: Don't tell—

MATT: Keep that to yourself!

MARZIPAN: I'm sorry.

MATT: I don't wanna hear that crap!

MARZIPAN: I'm gonna get him a new pair of shoes, though.

MATT: {reacting to The Paper coming down} Wow, look at that. All you gotta do is say it's the end and—

Fun Facts

• Robotech was an animated science fiction series that aired the United States in 1985. The show was created by reassembling and redubbing three disparate anime series to create a new story; all three featured mecha capable of transforming between humanoid and jet fighter forms.

External Links

• watch "the facts"
• watch "the facts" on YouTube
• watch "the facts" on the old Flash site
• view the Flash file for "the facts"
• forum thread re: "the facts"