For kids

"Okay, kids, we're gonna play Where's The Cheat! "

Allison wonders what a Strong Bad television series for kids would be like.

Cast (in order of appearance): Strong Bad, Rather Dashing, Kerrek, The Cheat, Homsar, Stave It Off Guy

Places: Computer Room

Computer: Compy 386

Date: Monday, August 9, 2004

Running Time: 3:24

Page Title: Compy 386!!

DVD:strongbad email.exe Disc Four, Sbemails' 50 Greatest Hits DVD

Transcript

{Strong Bad is at the Compy 386, playingPeasant's Quest. He has a score of -38 and is in the area with Kerrek.}

STRONG BAD: Uh, let's see here... {typing} Make friends with Kerrek.

{A message appears, reading, "The Kerrek says he has enough friends already. And he doesn't like your short, short pants." His score also drops to -40.}

STRONG BAD: What the...!? {presses enter; the Kerrek starts making his way over to Rather Dashing} Um... {typing} Buy Kerrek a cold one.

{Kerrek smashes Rather Dashing on the head. The Game Over tune plays. Another message appears, reading, "The Kerrek is a teetotaller and is offended by your offer. He pounds your head into the ground. You dead." His score also drops to -45.}

STRONG BAD: WHAT?!? Oh man... Stupid game! {presses enter; types "quit". A message reads, "You quitter."} I guess I should do the thing... that I do. {pulls up the a> prompt and types "strongbad_email.exe"} {Reading}

>Coolest guy ever - - - Strong Bad,
>I've been wondering if you ever
>thought of making your own television
>series? Kids everywhere would love
>you, and your awesomeness.
>
>Allison , NJ

{Strong Bad reads "- - -" as "henna henna henna". After reading the greeting, he says, "Whoa! Three hennas! Must be an important one!" After the comma in the last sentence, he says "unnecessary comma," and he pronounces "Allison" as "All is on"}

STRONG BAD: {typing} Television?!! Kids?!! Wait, do you people think I'm intended for children? Like, the littlest, tiniest babies? You know, they watch those shows on public television. I don't think I'm cut out for that sort of sugarjob.

{Cut to a piece of yellow paper of the sort used to teach kindergarteners writing. Strong Bad is superimposed on it with a rocket launcher/bazooka, a monster with horns, a bunny with fangs, and a creature that resembles a man sticking its tongue out drawn in crayon around him.}

STRONG BAD: {Smiling beatifically} Okay, kids, we're gonna play "Where's The Cheat?".

{Cut to a side-view of Strong Bad, who faces at the camera.}

STRONG BAD: Can you say, "a-The Cheat"?

KIDS: {half incoherent} The Cheat. {one child mumbles} Christopher Columbus.

STRONG BAD: {stops smiling} Not good enough. F minus minus.

{"F--" appears on the screen. The DELETED buzzer is heard. Cut back to Strong Bad. Behind him are crayon drawings of a tree, an open box and a toilet.}

STRONG BAD: {smiling again} All right, dumb children. {rubs his hands together} Find The Cheat!

{The Cheat comes out from behind the box and waves.}

KIDS: {say things like "He's over there," or "Right there." They continue saying this.}

STRONG BAD: {stops smiling} Um, no, he's behind the box. {turns around and points to The Cheat} No, uh, he's not even behind the box, he's barely obscured by the box. {turns around and looks downwards; his hands becomes fists and he looks back up} Look, The Cheat is behind the freaking box!!

{Kids stop talking and the music soundtrack screeches to a halt accompanied by a record scratch. The Cheat jumps slightly. Strong Bad breathes heavily, then suddenly jumps to a position much closer to the viewer, and starts waving his arms}

STRONG BAD: {screaming} HE'S BEHIND THE BOX! {slides down, then gets even closer} I'LL KILL YA!! I'LL KILL ALL YOUR DOGS!!

{Cut back via static to Strong Bad at the Compy 386}

STRONG BAD: So, you can see how that might be less than pleasant. What with all the letter writing and the angry mothers and the subsequent stringing me up in town square for all to see. But you know who's a natural for that sorta thing? None other than America's favorite blue midget Homestar: Homsar!!

{Cut to an all-white scene. Homsar comes through a faraway door. He walks closer to the viewer and stops.}

KIDS: Whaddaya know, Haddi-man?

{Homsar opens his mouth and his hat flies up in the air. Cut to a background with white, yellow, purple and green flowers spinning counter-clockwise. As the words are sung, they are shown one by one at the bottom of the viewer's screen. A caricature of Homsar rides by from right to left in a boat with a red flag. His shirt says "if you lived here you'd be home".}

MAN: We'll have an adventure, and several long trips. We'll make some new friends—

{Smiling, multi-ethnic children appear behind Homsar as he sails left off the screen}

MAN: —and maybe get a bite to eat!!!

{An orange with "abc" on it appears. Seven Homsar silhouettes now fan like a hand of cards from left to right, and then disappear in reverse order.}

MAN: All 'cause we say...

{A red silhouette of Homsar with the flag from the boat appears. White liquid spills onto the screen. A logo that says "Whaddaya Know Haddi-man?" with a second caricature of Homsar on it appears.}

KIDS: Whaddaya know, Haddi-man?

{The real Homsar pops up on the left side of the screen in the lower left corner.}

HOMSAR: DaAaAaA! I'm a trendy tote bag!

{Cut to a tan scene. Homsar disappears and reappears in various places, accompanied by raspberry noises. When he stops in the left half of the foreground, a blue lower case "g" appears beside him.}

KIDS: A "G"!

HOMSAR: I'm not gonna lie to you, that's a healthy piece of real estate!

KIDS: A "G"!

{Cut to a purple background with a seated, mustachioed man playing a guitar. As the words are sung, they appear on the screen.}

STAVE IT OFF GUY: Stave it off, 1-2-3, and now you can count to three.

HOMSAR: That's a real popular song! Who wants to hear of it fifty times more?

KIDS: {shouts of approval}

{Cut to the previous screen. Now we see two of the guitar-playing people, one in a darker shade superimposed behind the other. Again, as the words are sung, they appear on the screen.}

STAVE IT OFF GUY: Stave it off, 1-2-3, and now you can count to three.

{The darker shaded guitarist is suddenly upside-down, and the song is repeated as are the words on the screen.}

STAVE IT OFF GUY: Stave it off, 1-2-3, and now you can count to three.

{Cut back to the Compy via static.}

STRONG BAD: {typing} Good gravy. {Spoken: GOOD... GRAVY.} I've got two words for the children that are raised on that crap: {in monotone} HELD BACK. REPEATING THE THIRD GRADE. LOW STANDARDIZED TEST SCORES. I GUESS THIS WAS MORE THAN TWO WORDS. THE PAPER, PLEASE TAKE US HOME.

{The Paper comes down.}

Easter Eggs

• At the end, click on the words "good gravy" to see the King of Town's new food product.

"I don't lets the Poopsmith near it!"

>the KOT's
>Good
>GRAVY
>"I don't lets the
>Poopsmith near it!"
>104 oz.

• Also at the end, click "crap" to see a CD jewel case and hear a sample of All Is On's album:

>ALL IS ON!!!
>Mega Hits!!
>PARTY MIX!

>(on spine) Songs We Found On The Street

SINGER: All is on... feel it, feel it, feel it, feel it...

Fun Facts

Explanations

• A person who practices total abstinence from alcoholic beverages and narcotic substances is called a teetotaller.

Trivia

• The YouTube description for this email is "Strong Bad describes what his television show for kids would be like."

Remarks

• The commands Strong Bad uses in Peasant's Quest were not originally part of the game but were added after this email debuted.
  • Typing "make friends with kerrek" results in the message "Look, it didn't work for Strongbad and it's not gonna work for you either."
  • Typing "buy kerrek a cold one" results in the message "The Kerrek is a teetotaller and is offended by your request. You've really cheesed him off now.", and causes the Kerrek to move twice as fast.
• If you type "quit" in the real Peasant's Quest, the game shows a different message than the "you quitter" message, and quits.
• Given the use of "teetotaller," this email seems to prove that the oft-mentioned "cold one" is in fact an alcoholic beverage.
• It is impossible to get a negative score in the real game, despite Strong Bad's miserable showing.
• In Peasant's Quest Preview, it is said the maximum requirements for Peasant's Quest are a 286 CGA enabled PC. The Compy, judging by its name, contains a 386 processor.
• The positions of the crayon graphics in the first scene are all rearranged when the scene zooms in on Strong Bad's face.
• If the "Stave it off" song were really looped 50 times (including the pause heard in the email) it would last for 6 minutes, 10 seconds.
• As Homsar says the word "trendy," his hat changes in size; first larger, then smaller, then back to normal.
• Homsar's eyes on the "Whaddaya Know Haddi-man?" logo are mirrored versions of the smaller of Bubs' eyes.
• The "All Is On" tune is not in the same key as the lyrics.

Goofs

• Adjusting the contrast while Strong Bad plays Peasant's Quest affects his reflection in the game, but not the game itself.
• All the Haddi-Man children have shadows except the girl.
• When Homsar talks after the lowercase "g" shows up (complete with various head movements and hat flyings, as per usual), his shadow stays still.
• The real Peasant's Quest game shows the score as "# of 150", not "# out of 150".
• If you click on the "All is on" album while the music is still playing it will disappear but the music will continue to play.

Inside References

• The sounds that Homsar makes when he opens and closes the door are the same sounds made by the front door in The House That Gave Sucky Treats.
• Strong Bad says "HE'S BEHIND THE BOX! I'LL KILL YA!! I'LL KILL ALL YOUR DOGS!!" This is an instance of one speaking of killing someone's dog.

Real-World References

• The fake show hosted by Strong Bad is a spoof of many children's shows. Specifically, Strong Bad mentions that the kids watch public television, and the kids heard shouting the answers to Strong Bad's questions are taken from the Nickelodeon show Blue's Clues. Strong Bad's show is actually a strange reversal of Blue's Clues; in Blue's Clues the kids know all the answers to the questions asked but the host is completely clueless, whilst in this email, Strong Bad knows the answers and the kids are clueless.
• The way Homsar enters and walks closer to the viewer is from the British kids' show "Bod". This is likely, as The Brothers Chaps have claimed that Bod was one of their influences.
• The noise Homsar makes when he teleports around are similar to noises on the PBS show Boohbah.
• The Guitar Playing Man bears a striking resemblance to folk singer James Taylor. Taylor has made numerous appearances on the children's TV program Sesame Street, often singing educational songs.
• Homsar asking the kids if they want to "hear of [the song] 50 times more" may be a reference to the BBC show Teletubbies, in which whenever a "real-life" clip is shown, it is always repeated per request of the Teletubbies.
• The "letter of the day" feature in Homsar's show is reminiscent of Sesame Street, which ends each show with the mock sponsorship, "Sesame Street was brought to you... by the letter __!"
• The bizarre way Homsar comes onto the screen from an unseen door in the unseen distance, and the way he jumps around the screen without moving otherwise, is a reference to early Sesame Street skits which were noted for their surreality.
• The "animated" Homsar's shirt says "If you lived here you'd be home," bringing to mind the common billboard campaign for new houses under construction, "If you lived here, you'd be home by now."

Fast Forward

• The "All Is On" song from this email is used again in the Easter egg for extra plug.
• The words "Stave it off, 1, 2, 3..." were used again in the email virus.
• Whaddaya Know, Haddi-Man? is heard in the background in secret identity.
• Part of the song played in the "Where's The Cheat?" part of this email is heard in the Very, Very Little Girl Easter egg in Summer Short Shorts.
• The guitarist, nicknamed the Stave It Off Guy, would later become a recurring character. In Crystal Fortress, he appears alongside the round children heads.
• Strong Bad eventually does feature on his own public television preschool show, Characters from Yonder Website.

DVD Version

• The DVD version features hidden creators' commentary. To access it, switch your DVD player's audio language selection while watching.

Commentary Transcript

(Commentary by: Matt Chapman, Mike Chapman, Jonathan Howe, Ryan Sterritt on guitar)

{Ryan's guitar playing throughout the commentary}

MIKE: You're listening to the smooth, sultry sounds of the Strong Bad DVD commentary.

JON: Dim the lights, Matt. Who's on lights? Matt, are you on lights?

MIKE: I know one thing for sure.

MATT: What's that, Mike?

MIKE: Ryan Sterritt's on the guitar right now.

JON: {over Mike} Oooooohhhhhhhh yyyyyyeeeeeaaaaaahhh.

MATT: That's right, Ryan.

JON: Hey um— re—

MATT: {over Jon} Make it sing. Make it sing.

JON: Regarding the P— the Peasant's Quest thing we— for— before the email or just after we went back and added the phrases.

MATT: {over Ryan} Those two commands.

JON: Yes—

MIKE: Oh, into the game?

JON: Yes.

MIKE: Oh.

MATT: And you'd get the same responses, right?

JON: Y— something like that.

MATT: Or something similar. Or maybe— no.

MIKE: Oh no, that's right.

RYAN: {yelling} Check— Try— Try it out at home.

MATT: Yeah.

RYAN: Find out for yourselves.

MATT: Give it a shot.

JON: I'm sorry. I'm not being sufficiently jazzy and mellow.

MATT: No! We're all, uh—

MIKE: Hey it's all good. It's all hot.

MATT: Everything— we're all a family here at Strong Bad Email.

MIKE: There's—

MATT: This is a little technique I used to make look like crayon drawing Flash it's the— it's the stippled stroke. There's a stroke in your stroke tool all you Flash animators at home.

MIKE: {slowly} Stroke.

MATT: It looks sort of like pebbles. Just do several different layers of it and maybe—

MIKE: {slowly} Stroke.

MATT: —cut and paste the same layer, move it up a little bit. Instant crayon effect.

MIKE: {imitating child in the email} Christopher Columbus!

JON: Oh, wait, this is where Strong Bad gets violent.

MIKE: Yeah this is gonna be good contrast to—

MATT: Yeah. I don't think— I don't think I wanna watch this part.

MIKE: Strong Bad! Calm down, man!

MATT: You need to cool out, Strong Bad.

JON: Does he say, "I'll kill all your dogs"?

MATT: Yeah.

JON: Or "dolls?"

MIKE AND MATT: Dogs.

JON: That's what I thought he said.

MATT: He's ang— he's angry. It's a little rough. There's some kids at home who I don't think could handle that.

JON: Yeah. It's like— it's like the new Star Wars episodes. {Matt laughs} Not suitable for children.

MATT: That's what I hear.

JON: The world's most childish...

MIKE: Hey Ryan. How 'bout some more finger picking. {Ryan plays a little more} Thank you. That's nice.

JON: Ah...

MATT: This is a, uh— this is a sweet intro I think to Homsar's show.

MIKE: Yeah. I really wanna make this whole show, or at least watch it. I don't want to make it. I wanna watch it. {Matt laughs}

JON: Uh, I like the, um, the construction paper appearance in this.

MATT: Yeah. Those kids and that orange— that orange I wanna snack on.

MIKE: Those kids are diverse.

MATT: They are! {talks over Mike} They're from all over the world, Mike.

MIKE: {talks over Matt} There's some diversity in those kids.

{Jon laughs}

MATT: Haddi-man is accepting of all cultures. {Jon and Mike laugh}

{short pause}

MIKE: And fart noises.

{all laugh}

MIKE: {laughing} I wonder—

JON: I remember like a— statistical analysis on the number of, uh, fart noises or toilets or something like that, the— the late is 130.

MATT: Is there?

JON: I don't know. There's the toilet and the claymation thing that—

MATT: There's probably a lot!

JON: Not that you guys resort to—

MATT: Who's uncle? That's— that's Ryan right now. Looks just like that guy.

MIKE: He does! His legs crossed, just like that!

MATT: He's got his legs crossed, tapping one foot.

MIKE: You need to put some socks on underneath your flip-flops. {Jon laughs}

{short pause}

MATT: Me! Me! Me! Me! That's my favorite kid that's in the background—

JON: Is he wearing sandals and socks?

MIKE: I don't think he is, but I always sort of interpreted those weird lines around his foot as that.

JON: Hey guys, I'm sorry if I was implying that you guys do a lot of potty humor.

MIKE: Yeah. We're gonna cut this out— we're gonna cut you out of the DVD.

{all laugh}

JON: But, I'm not in the DVD, actually.

MATT: You are cut out! Umm—

JON: Nothing to cut.

{short pause}

JON: Keep it going. Keep it going, bro.

MATT: Keep it going. Low standard—

MIKE: How long can you do this for, Ry?

MATT: Let's keep our standardized test scores low this evening, ladies and gentlemen.

JON: Dim the scores.

MATT: The Paper— Ryan, take us home.

{Ryan's guitar playing until the end}

Fun Facts

• The comment that the new Star Wars episodes are not suitable for children refers to the fact that the latest episode at that time, Revenge of the Sith, was rated PG-13, whereas all previous Star Wars movies were rated PG.

See Also

• Whaddaya Know, Haddi-Man?

External Links

• watch "for kids"
• watch "for kids" on YouTube
• watch "for kids" on the old Flash site
• view the Flash file for "for kids"
• forum thread re: "for kids"