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Coach Z's Problems
From HR Wiki Twice
"The Coach Z says, 'I have more than two prablems.'"
As explained in Main Page 11 and Who Said What Now?, Coach Z has claimed to have "more than two problems". An analysis of his behavior shows the following problems:
Alcoholism
- He has been drunk multiple times, usually on Listerine.
- He spiked the punch at the senior prom with Listerine.
- He called Marzipan while drunk, along with Bubs.
Anti-Social Behavior
- He wears a disturbingly small bathing suit when swimming, and doesn't realize that it makes others uncomfortable.
- It has been implied that he has a crush on Marzipan. He has occasionally made "inapprapriate" comments about her and has let it slip that he snuck into her house. It now seems that he has been given a restraining order prohibiting him from coming within 500 feet of Marzipan's house.
- He's been arrested twice, the first time being sent to a juvenile prison and the second time being tried as a minor, with his own defense lawyer having trouble believing his innocence despite possible evidence exonerating him of his unnamed crime.
- He has been known to respond to "what's up" with information about his butt or other embarrassing physical problems, according to a song about how to be more socially acceptable, sung by Homestar.
- He pretended to get a call from his parents during which he lied about having prepared a traditional Decemberween dinner and inviting guests while actually dining alone on Salisbury steak.
- He had previously answered personal date ads sent by the King of Town, despite being warned not to.
- He implies that committing "premeditated murder in cold blood" is a normal mistake someone might make.
- He boasts "nobody can get fatally irresponsible with an animal like Coach Z".
Financial
- He claims he has money, but not much.
- He lives in a gymnasium locker room.
- He frequently has his power shut off because he forgets to pay his bills.
- He has occasionally attempted to be sent to prison, since he would be guaranteed "three square meals a day".
- He can't afford "the money cost variety" for ice cream.
- He will flow and/or freak for food.
Hygiene
- He holds the record for the longest time gone without showering.
- He wears sweaty pants.
- He showers with spit.
Lack of Generally Common Knowledge
- Despite being a coach, he doesn't know what a basketball is.
- He's bad at abbreviations.
- He claims to only know a few words, such as "pfargtl", his "favorite animal".
- At one point, he believed that the shower heads in his locker room were his "drippy, broken speakers".
- He believes a cardboard box with a detached microphone is a record studio.
- He thinks cooking with hydroelectricity means running a hot dog under the shower.
- He claims that human babies smell like plastic and are full of yellow goop.
Medical
- He has "problems with his feet", including athlete's foot, bunions, corns, and calluses.
- He has mentioned several times that he has a bad back.
- When his bathing suit is removed, he leaks a black fluid.
- He has bad hand-eye coordination.
- He once had chronic athlete's tongue, rub rash, and hot pooey.
- He makes squishing noises when removing his "skin tight green job".
- He suffers from a torn rubdominal scrimmage.
Psychological
- He thinks that he is a mother.
- He sometimes forgets what's real and what's just in his head.
- He has an obsession with butts and butt-patting. He thinks people touching their own butts is a good thing, and is, according to Homestar, "re-known" for his self-butt pats.
- He seems to believe he's in a relationship with Bubs.
- He has short-term memory loss.
- He once asked a drawing he made to be his bride.
- He believes that a sketch of a cell phone is a real cell phone.
- He does not seem to learn things from his past experience.
- He has an imaginary friend named "Real Live Actual Mr. Blangcaster Next Door", who looks very shady by the shape of his outline.
- He thinks a little eyeball-vomit is a natural side effect of try-harding.
- He has been raising a bag of banana pudding as a child since he was Strong Bad and Homestar's age, oblivious to the fact it's long gone rancid.
Speech Impediment
See Coach Z's Accent
Miscellaneous
- He often pukes his pants.
- He carries a bottle of questionable water with him at all times for questionable reasons.
- Even when he finds he's eating something awful, he still eats it.
- He enjoys covering puke in sawdust, claiming that "Sawdust makes everything delicious".
- He admits he likes a good chafe.
- He never seems to notice or complain that there is itching powder in his jock strap.
- He thinks Strong Sad is yellow.
- Dangeresque remarks that his partner Renaldo was called "The One-Man Two-Problem" in the Navy.
