Sbemail 136 Alternate Versions

Below are the first two drafts of Strong Bad Email #136 as originally written by The Brothers Chaps. They eventually abandoned the kitchen-appliance concept in favor of the geddup noise. The drafts were released as a wiki exclusive. All formatting has been preserved, except that some bold text has been added and the actual emails have been set off to help with readability.

Released: Monday, May 31, 2010

Character key (in order of appearance):

• SB: Strong Bad
• HS: Homestar Runner
• KOT: The King of Town
• CZ: Coach Z
• Marzy: Marzipan

First Draft

the lights are out in the email room. the light flicks on and strong bad enters.
sb sits down and turns on the lappy. the dong-ding coughs somehow.
sb: can computers cough?

Dear STRONG BAD!!!

If you could be a kitchen appliance what would it be? and why? waiting in anticipation.

Victoria AUS

(both homestar and strong bad begin reading)
"dear strong bad if you could be..."
sb: homestar stop. just wait.
(sb begins reading again, as does homestar albeit in a higher voice)
"dear strong bad, if you could..."
sb: stoopface! look, i'll tell ya what. we'll alternate words. dear...
hs: dear...i mean STRONG!
sb: BAD!
this continues. homestar reads "victoria" then sb says,
sb: from austree-alia-lenberger combo. well, victoria, who hasn't spent romantic nights in front of
the fireplace, gazing into that special someone's eyes, talking about what kitchen appliance they
would be? i had (small cough) girlfriend in (small cough) college that used to want to be a panini press, in fact that was her name I think. Good ol', hot ol' Panini Press. but i always saw myself as a 200 cc food processor called the Oh-bliterator Thousand! i'd look as much like me as a food processor possibly could. (it shows the food processor) which apparently
isn't very much. i'd have four my-mouth colored buttons labelled puree, frappe, crushe, and offe. potatoes would curly-cue themselves at the very sight of me! i could julienne a phonebook into a metal can. and turn whatsit into gold!

cut to the kot eating something. he spits takes.

KOT: EXCUSE ME?!

A graphic comes up that says "That's Right!"

SB: That's right! You get the Oh-bliterator, the cleaning kit, and the interesting branch all for only 20 low payments of 4 easy installments!

(the objects appear as he says them)

hs: oh, i'd be a fork! a taped up fork! a brown taped up fork! we'd live right next to each other on
Mother Goose's countertop! we would alternate words while reciting clever rhymes that help
kids remember to do their chores.

it shows them on a counter top in the kitchen appliance forms.

HS and SB (alternating): Make your bed, or you'll be dead, by morning.

A green plastic bag sealer bounces onscreen and repeats, higher:

CZ: by morning!!

Cut to Marzipan

marzipan: excuse me!

now we see strong bad, homestar, and coach z crammed on the kitchen counter in various ways.

sb: oh, hey marzipan, we was just uh, looking
hs: out
sb: from
hs: within
cz: ourselves?!

marzy:(sarcastically) i really don't know why you guys don't have girlfriends.
homestar: but what about...?
marzy: you heard me.

Second Draft

sbemail 136

the lights are off in the sbemail room. gavin sits on the monitor of the lappy. the lights flick on and gavin runs for cover.

sb comes in and sits, types "strongbad_email.exe"

sb: Ahem. (out of key) Email song that's really GREeaat?!

the lappy buzzes and displays "ERROR - insufficient email song."

sb: what?! must be outta practice. Okay, here goes...song is long, is long, is long, is song is an email song

There's a THUMP and the lappy shakes.

sb: well, sorr-eee! jeez! you don't have to get violent.

Some more THUMPS.

SB: Waitaminute, what is that?!

Cut to wide.

Homestar has made a small shanty underneath the desk. A sign says "Homestar's Place." Homestar has a juice box skewered on a stick and is roasting it over a flashlight.

HS: Oh hey, Strong Bad. Juice box?

SB: HOMESTAR!! Since when did I say you could take up residence underneath my sbemail desk?!

HS: Oh, well, you hadn't used it in so long I just figured...you know...squatter's rights.

SB: I'm about to squat on your rights if you don't get outta here ya filthy hobo!

hs gets to his feet

HS: Aw, come on Mr. Roper! I could help out around the house! I'm a real super athlete. You oughta see me climb and stuff. Maybe you should introduce me to--

SB: Yeah, alright shut up. I suppose I could use your help. The lappy's broken and it says I need some bozo to sing it an email song or else I can't checka my email.

HS: Ooh! Email songs are my forte. Or perhaps my fiftay!

cut to lappy

Both hs and sb's heads come in.

HS: Ya gotta, email ding-dong ding-dong, I wanna, email ding-dong ding-dong, I gotta

the lappy displays "Close enough" and the email comes up.

Dear STRONG BAD!!! If you could be a kitchen appliance what would it be? and why? waiting in anticipation. Victoria AUS

They both start reading at the same time.

sb: Hey, one at a time!

hs: oh okay.

They both start reading at the same time, again.

sb: Stoopface! Look, I'll tell ya what. We'll alternate words.

(they go through the email)

sb: austree-alia-lenberger...combo. Well, Vicky--

hs: you worthless sack o'crap!!

sb: homestar, no! she might be slightly attractive...or loaded.

hs: just tryin to help.

hs head leaves the screen.

sb: Well, Vischyssoise, who hasn't spent romantic nights in front of the fireplace, gazing into that special someone's eyes, talking about what kitchen appliance they would be?

cut to hs in front of a fireplace. maybe in a smoking jacket.

hs: I'd be a fork! a taped up fork! a brown taped-up fork!

back to the lappy.

sb: ugh. anyways, I've always seen myself as a beigish tan food processor called Le Chop.

cut to Le Chop appearing on a countertop.

hs: No, no. The Oh-bliterator Thousand! And it'd have cool flames all on it and gashuffers comin outta the sides!

that stuff appears on the food processor.

sb: Homestar, calm down! You don't need to go all Strong Bad on this one. I have a lotta respect for food processors and food processing. Beigish tan, Le Chop, got it?

hs: yessir.

food processor turns back to normal.

sb: I would have several handy speeds. Puree, Frappe--

hs: Crushe, Smushe, and of course, Offe.

those buttons appear on the thing.

sb (getting frustrated): GRR. And I could julienne

hs: A phonebook into a metal can!! And shoot lasers at hot girls!

(it shoots lasers, we hear some female screams)

sb: Homestar, NO! No lasers this time!

hs: Cool flames!!

sb: BEIGISH TAN!!

hs: GASHUFFERS!!

The food processor has a mouth and maybe eyes and starts screaming.

food: STOP FIGHTING!! STOP FIGHTING!! ALL YOU GUYS EVER DO ANYMORE IS FIGHT!! AND I AM SICK OF IT!! I'M GOING TO MY ROOM!!!

it storms off the counter

sb: woah. guess we upset our imaginary food processor stepson.

hs: oh, he's just going through a phase. AND NO INTENDO YOUNG MAN!! YOU HEAR ME?!

Fun Facts

Explanations

• Vichyssoise is a thick soup made of puréed leeks, onions, potatoes, cream, and chicken stock.

Trivia

• These alternate versions heavily acknowledge the seven-week delay since the previous email. Only the lights being off and Gavin on the screen are preserved in the finished version.
• Marzipan broke up with Homestar at the end of the first draft.

Real-World References

• The second draft contains a reference to Nintendo.
• Mr. Roper was the hard-nosed landlord in Three's Company.

Fast Forward

• Homestar roasting a juicebox will later end up as part of 4 branches, but using a real fire instead of a flashlight.
• "Intendo" ends up being used in Meeple Grove.
• Strong Bad uses the phrase "julienne a phone book into a tin can" when admiring Pom Pom's samurai sword in Strong Badia the Free.

See Also

• geddup noise
• Soap Box Doiby

External Links

• forum thread re: Sbemail 136 Alternate Versions