Cold One

"Beer" redirects here. For other types of beer, see Alcohol#Beer.

The Cold One motto

Cold One is the most popular brand of beer in Free Country, USA. They are shipped in brown bottles, with the most common variety using a yellow label; the beer is also available in kegs. The Cold One motto is "A One that isn't cold, is scarcely a One at all." Despite this, cool, room temp-a-ture, warm, and not-so-cold ones have been introduced.

Types of Ones

Type	Picture	About	Appearances
Cold Ones		Preferred by Strong Bad.
Cool Ones	not seen	A nice alternative on spring nights.
Not So Cold Ones		Tempature is 90 degrees or higher, as said on the bottle. Enjoyed by Coach Z and Bubs.
Room Temp-A-Ture Ones		A foreign brand brewed in . Could possibly be referring to the stereotype that the British prefer drinking their beer at near room temperature.
Wärm Önes		Foreign brand straight from the oven.
Cold None	not seen	Not to be wished on anyone
One That Is Not Cold	not seen	What the sender of property of ones, Dan Waters, claims to have almost drank. Scarcely a One at all.
Xtra Cold Ones		A step up from Cold Ones.
Cold One Ice		Thrown at a moose lamp.
'old One		Enjoyed by Pom Pom, Homestar Runner, and Strong Bad.
Strong Beer Premium Alcoholic Cold Ones		From the screensaver.
Cold Ones Light		A light variation of a Cold One.
Expen$e Account Ones		Enjoyed while on a business trip.
Cold Ones Dry		A dry variation of a Cold One, official beverage of Taranchula.
Coldson Lite		A Cold One-style beverage enjoyed by Coach Z and The Cheat. It may be a reference to Canadian beer Molson, while the can resembles Coors Light — a strange coincidence as Molson and Coors announced they were merging in 2004.
Cold Ones Extra Stout Black		"So rich, thick, and dark, you can't believe it's a liquid." Seems to refer to Guinness.
Colden Ones		A variation of the Cold One. Enjoyed by Homestar Runner before the Big Game. May be a reference to "Molson Golden".
PONK!		Enjoyed by Bubs.
Hops and Icy Cold One flavored ice cream		One of the flavors of ice cream found on the code wheel for Peasant's Quest. It's claimed to be the favorite flavor of Samuel Adams.
Hard Ones	not seen	Assumed to be the Cold Ones version of hard liquor (Vodka, Bourbon, etc.) An alleged ingredient in Santaman's Chimney.
Problem Ones	not seen	Apparently responsible for Homestar and Strong Bad's original designs.
Non-Cold Onesaholic		Kerrek Brau — "Non-Cold Onesaholic" and "4.5% taste". Made with 100% real sweat from the Kerrek's brow.

The Property of Ones

See main article: Bogus Mathematical Theorems

According to Strong Bad, Cold Ones obey the following Property of Ones:

The Oneitude is directly proportional to the Colditude of the One.

Or in other words:

The colder it is, the more of a one it is.

Fun Facts

Old Style Cold Ones

• Though rarely explicitly referred to as alcoholic, Cold Ones are indeed meant to depict beer —
  • The Strong Bad screensaver depicts a "Premium Alcoholic Cold Ones" sign.
  • In Peasant's Quest, the Kerrek rejects Cold Ones because he is a teetotaler.
  • Room Temp-A-Ture Ones are a variant that is "brewed in Foreign Lands".
• The Strong Bad Email super powers revealed that Strong Bad can use the blue diamond icon on his head to open a Cold One.
• The "Cold Ones Light" logo closely resembles the Old Style beer logo.
• Shiner Bock bottles are used to represent Cold Ones in the live-action Strong Sad Paunchbaby commercial, likely due to their similar goldenrod-colored labels.
• In a 2014 interview, Matt Chapman discussed a time around 2000 when The Brothers Chaps pitched Homestar Runner as a television show to networks including Nickelodeon and Disney — in these meetings, they were told that they could not include references to Cold Ones if the series were to be produced for their networks. This, among a few other concerns about creative control, led to the brothers deciding to continue self-publishing online instead; by 2003, they no longer had any interest in producing a Homestar Runner TV show.

See Also

• Alcohol