Puppets on the Road

Caution: Puppets and Bad Jokes Ahead

Hidden Puppet Stuff

Puppet Homestar Runner and Mike interact, from Washington Square to Texas.

Cast (in order of appearance): Puppet Homestar, Craig Zobel, Mike Chapman, Shark-Tooth Bubs, Matt Chapman

Places: Washington Square Park in New York, a picnic table alongside Texas Highway 71, The Brothers Chaps' van

Running Time: 8:34

DVD Exclusive:strongbad email.exe Disc Four (Easter egg)

Transcript

{Open up to a yellow diamond road sign showing a silhouette of Puppet Homestar, accompanied by the text "PUPPETS ON THE ROAD". Cut to Puppet Homestar and Mike Chapman in Washington Square.}

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Ooh, Washington Square. Let's, let's make a short film. Let's pretend we're in film school. Okay go!

{Black-and-white film style. Title appears on screen:}

STAPLE-DOWN LIFE

a short one by Homestar

and Craig

{Cut to close-up of Craig Zobel staring into space. Cut to close-up of Homestar staring into space. Cut to extreme close-up of Craig.}

CRAIG ZOBEL: Smoking.

{Cut to extreme close-up of Homestar.}

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Cigarettes.

{Cut. Craig and Homestar are facing each other.}

HOMESTAR RUNNER: The end—

HOMESTAR RUNNER AND CRAIG ZOBEL: —of life. The beginning of—

HOMESTAR RUNNER: —death.

CRAIG ZOBEL: {immediately afterwards in failed unison} —death.

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Death. ...Are we rolling?

{Cut to a flock of birds taking flight in the park. The following appears on screen:}

FIN.

{Cut; now normal color.}

HOMESTAR RUNNER: What'd you think of our short film, Mike?

MIKE CHAPMAN: It wasn't very good.

HOMESTAR RUNNER: What?! You don't even—

MIKE CHAPMAN: {shaking his head no} That's not gonna cut it.

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Are you even in film school?

MIKE CHAPMAN: I'm not, not even— no.

HOMESTAR RUNNER: "Not even no"? What kind of grammar is that?!

MIKE CHAPMAN: That black-and-white stuff's just not gonna cut it, Homestar.

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Oh, I cut it.

MIKE CHAPMAN: That's not enough.

HOMESTAR RUNNER: I cut it on a Nagra... sound recorder. See, you don't even know what that is. That's film-school talk.

MIKE CHAPMAN: Well, it's a sound recorder.

HOMESTAR RUNNER: That's 'cause I told you. Cheater.

MIKE CHAPMAN: Well... well...

{Mike bends down and picks up some snow and ice.}

HOMESTAR RUNNER: What, what's that?

MIKE CHAPMAN: It's, uh, it's a chunk of ice.

HOMESTAR RUNNER: I—

{He throws the ice in Homestar's mouth.}

HOMESTAR RUNNER: AUH-hah!! {He screams and spits repeatedly, yelling each time.}

{Mike tries to clear the ice from Homestar's mouth.}

MIKE CHAPMAN: All right all right all right all right! You're—

{Homestar starts biting Mike's hand.}

MIKE CHAPMAN: Everyone's looking. Just, be quiet, okay?

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Everyone's looking at you!

You're attracting "guls."

MIKE CHAPMAN: {overlapping} You're attracting attention.

HOMESTAR RUNNER: You're attracting girls {pronounced "guls"}.

MIKE CHAPMAN: {laughing} That's definitely not true. I don't know what "guls" are, anyway.

HOMESTAR RUNNER: {with great effort} G-Girrrls. There, gu— I said it. It hurts.

MIKE CHAPMAN: Women. Can you say women?

HOMESTAR RUNNER: {not hearing him} It hurts.

MIKE CHAPMAN: I attract women.

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Women.

MIKE CHAPMAN: Yeah.

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Dudes!

MIKE CHAPMAN: {laughing} No...

{Homestar nods repeatedly. Mike picks up another chunk of snow and stands up, chuckling.}

HOMESTAR RUNNER: {laughing} Dude, don't throw another one! I'm outta here!

{Homestar runs off. Mike throws the snow at his own face.}

{Cut to the camera spinning around with Homestar, angled towards the roof of a building.}

HOMESTAR RUNNER: {singing} I'm gonna make it after all! Doo-doo-doot-doo— doot! {pause} ...I'm freeze-framed.

{Cut to a rooftop.}

SHARK-TOOTH BUBS: Hey, everybody. My name... Shark-Tooth Bubs. I'm here in Philadelphia, home of the Chicken-Man. It's lookin' pretty nice! Have— have a nice time, everybody. Great job on the Chicken-Man... movie that you all made.

{Cut. Shark-Tooth Bubs is being held over a five-story stairwell.}

SHARK-TOOTH BUBS: Hey, everybody, I've had my fill.

"Let us rest in the wake of hours beneath."

{Mike drops Shark-Tooth Bubs down the stairwell. The doll glides on the air and lands only two stories below and Mike laughs.}

{Cut to Washington Square Park.}

SHARK-TOOTH BUBS: Heh— Heaven help us. Let us rest in the wake of hours beneath, for tomorrow is a brand style, courageously affording the brothers of our l-lester brothers.

{Cut to a small concession stand}

SHARK-TOOTH BUBS: This a regular stand. Uh, it-it's got uh, food, and a Chicken-Man movie for sale. But my concession strand is much nicer than... this malarkey here. We got Chicken-Man and Chicken-Movie-Man. But my style's got... eight... burgers. 'At's why my buh- my bubba concession stand called "eight burgers".

{Cut to a ticket machine in a subway station.}

SHARK-TOOTH BUBS: {Mike uses Shark-Tooth Bubs to press buttons on the screen} It's a style, gotta get the points. {presses the button for Chinese text} This is not good. I can't stick it up. {He presses on the screen more. Shark-Tooth Bubs reads what appears on the screen:} "¡Si ves algo, di algo!"

{Cut to Mike sitting at a picnic table with Homestar.}

MIKE CHAPMAN: Baaaah.

HOMESTAR RUNNER: What are you spelling?

MIKE CHAPMAN: I'm just sounding. Baaaaaah.

HOMESTAR RUNNER: That's weird. Why would you do something like that?

MIKE CHAPMAN: {holding up a muffin} Do you want a poppy-seed muffin?

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Woo, that looks like blueberry!

MIKE CHAPMAN: A miniature one?

HOMESTAR RUNNER: I think that's—

MIKE CHAPMAN: This one's poppy-seed.

HOMESTAR RUNNER: That's poppy-seed. Yeah. Why are we stopped here on the {raising his voice} side of the road?

MIKE CHAPMAN: To eat poppy-seed muffins and cake doughnuts.

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Whoa! Which—

MIKE CHAPMAN: And to read about the Old Three Hundred.

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Are we in Texas yet?

MIKE CHAPMAN: Yes, we've been in Texas all day.

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Am I a member of the ol'—

{Mike puts a muffin in Homestar's mouth and laughs to himself.}

HOMESTAR RUNNER: {mouth full} —three hundred?

{Homestar noisily spits the muffin out.}

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Ptah! Poo! Poppy seeds!

MIKE CHAPMAN: I was— I kinda wanted to eat that. {clears the crumbs from Homestar's mouth.}

HOMESTAR RUNNER: It's on the— J— Go for it! Thirty-second rule. How is it, Mike?

MIKE CHAPMAN: I think it's the three-second rule, not the thirty-second rule.

HOMESTAR RUNNER: The Old-Three-Hundred rule. That's what all those historical markers are talking about.

MIKE CHAPMAN: What do you think of Texas so far, Homestar?

HOMESTAR RUNNER: I think it's flat.

MIKE CHAPMAN: {munching on a doughnut, nodding} It's pretty boring, huh?

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Where's the Amalone, anyways?

MIKE CHAPMAN: That's {vaguely pointing} that way.

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Are we gonna go to it?

{Mike shakes his head no.}

HOMESTAR RUNNER: The old Amalone!

{Mike still says no.}

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Remember the Amalone!

MIKE CHAPMAN: {laughs} Alamo.

HOMESTAR RUNNER: What?

MIKE CHAPMAN: Alamo? A-L-A-M-O.

HOMESTAR RUNNER: That's a rental-car place.

MIKE CHAPMAN: Yeah, it's also an old building that people died at and fought... peop—other people.

HOMESTAR RUNNER: That's the Amalone.

MIKE CHAPMAN: {laughs} Want some doughnut?

HOMESTAR RUNNER: You shoulda learned about Texas before comin' down here. Tejas!

MIKE CHAPMAN: You know—

HOMESTAR RUNNER: You old Tejas!

MIKE CHAPMAN: What do you know about Austin? There's a college there, you know.

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Austin?

MIKE CHAPMAN: College girls are gonna be there.

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Really?

MIKE CHAPMAN: Yeah.

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Which type?

MIKE CHAPMAN: Hot Texas college girls.

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Really?

MIKE CHAPMAN: Mm hmm. Coeds.

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Yeah? Whoo-hoo. What's their major?

MIKE CHAPMAN: {laughs} Uh, {finishes his doughnut}

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Soc—

MIKE CHAPMAN: —prob'ly agriculture, mostly.

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Ohh.

MIKE CHAPMAN: They got a lot of that around here.

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Agro.

MIKE CHAPMAN: Yeah, agro.

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Austin A&M?

MIKE CHAPMAN: No, it's where UT is, I think.

HOMESTAR RUNNER: U—

MIKE CHAPMAN: University of Texas.

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Un—

MIKE CHAPMAN: You know— {Makes the "hang loose" sign at first with his hand, then switches to the "hook-em horns" sign. He alternates between them as he tries to decide which is correct.} —hook-em horns? I don't know which way. This way, I guess. Hook-em horns.

HOMESTAR RUNNER: It— {Homestar reaches into the doughnut bowl and takes the last doughnut in his mouth.}

"Don't share with Matt!"

MIKE CHAPMAN: Don't— I want that.

{Homestar leans to his left, and Matt's face peeks into view. Matt bites off half the doughnut and begins to chew. Homestar spits the rest of it back near the bowl.}

MIKE CHAPMAN: Ma— Homestar, don't share with Matt!

HOMESTAR RUNNER: {laughing, and, oddly, sounding like his mouth is full} I need to!

MIKE CHAPMAN: {laughing} That's not fair! {eats the rest of the doughnut}

HOMESTAR RUNNER: {mouth somehow still full} It's nice here, Mike.

MIKE CHAPMAN: It's pretty—it's pleasant here in this, uh, nice little picnic area—

HOMESTAR RUNNER: {mouth still full} It's a pleasant grove!

MIKE CHAPMAN: —off ol' Highway 71. You wanna go for a run through that field with me?

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Yeah, you know what I'd like— what I'd like to do first?

MIKE CHAPMAN: What's that?

HOMESTAR RUNNER: {singing dramatically} Spin my buzzerrrrr!

MIKE CHAPMAN: All right. I'm gonna spin your buzzer with a blueberry muffin.

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Okay.

{Mike spins Homestar's beanie propeller twice. The now-empty bowl is slowly blown off the table by the wind.}

HOMESTAR RUNNER: V-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r...!

MIKE CHAPMAN: Homestar, our bowl of treats just blew away in the wind.

HOMESTAR RUNNER: I think it— it was out of treats!

{Mike places a muffin on Homestar's underbite. He gets up to retrieve the bowl.}

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Just stack it there. Look at this balancing act!

{Mike returns and puts the bowl on Homestar's head. It immediately flies away again.}

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Whaaoh!
MIKE CHAPMAN: {simultaneously} Whaaoh!

{Mike gets the bowl once more.}

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Look at me. I never believed I was so dexterous. Check it out!

{Mike tries putting the bowl back on Homestar's head, then decides to just shove it in his mouth.}

HOMESTAR RUNNER: {singing} Ahhhhh...

{Mike starts putting muffin bits in Homestar's mouth. Homestar tries unsuccessfully to speak, save for uttering a muffled "Are you gonna...?".}

MIKE CHAPMAN: All right, Homestar, I'll see you later!

{Homestar again noisily empties his mouth.}

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Mike! Ptah! Check him out! He's goin' for it now!

{The camera pans to the left to see Mike running through the field and hopping a short wall.}

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Come back! Mike! No! Don't leave!

{Cut to inside The Brothers Chaps' van}

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Hey, Mike.

MIKE CHAPMAN: Yes?

HOMESTAR RUNNER: How do you like Texas?

MIKE CHAPMAN: Uh, I haven't seen much of it. We've been driving from Houston to Austin.

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Yeah, that's right.

MIKE CHAPMAN: It's pretty boring; this drive's pretty boring.

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Yeah.

MIKE CHAPMAN: But we're about to hit the scenic overlook.

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Ohh.

MIKE CHAPMAN: In about half a mile.

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Sce-ne-nic.

MIKE CHAPMAN: Scenic.

HOMESTAR RUNNER: A-sce-ne-nic—

MIKE CHAPMAN: Scenic.

HOMESTAR RUNNER: —overlook. {singing} Overlook!

MIKE CHAPMAN: Scenic. Here we go; we're slowing down. We're slowing down.

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Hey let's, do you remember that overlook song we made up?

MIKE CHAPMAN: Yeah, how does that go again?

Remember the Amalone!

HOMESTAR RUNNER: —when we was kids.

MIKE CHAPMAN: Yeah. How does that go again?

HOMESTAR RUNNER: {singing} Overlook, why did you go so far... aw—c'mon—awaaaay.
MIKE CHAPMAN: {singing, slightly off from Homestar} Overlook, it's the—why did you go so far... that's—{speaking} what was that next part?—{singing} awaaaay.

MIKE CHAPMAN: In the woods—

HOMESTAR RUNNER: In the woods—

MIKE CHAPMAN: —why did you leave my heart—
HOMESTAR RUNNER: {slightly off} —why did you leave my heart—

HOMESTAR RUNNER: —and my— walkman—
MIKE CHAPMAN: {slightly off} —and my walkman.

MIKE CHAPMAN: {speaking} That was, that was good.

HOMESTAR RUNNER: {still singing} —in the woods!

MIKE CHAPMAN: Ooh.

HOMESTAR RUNNER: {speaking} Whoa. This is sce-ne-nic. To be sure.

Fun Facts

Explanations

• The Spanish phrase that Shark-Tooth Bubs says ("¡Si ves algo, di algo!") means "If you see something, say something." This is a reference to the signs in the New York City subway trains and stations that remind passengers to alert authorities if they see something suspicious.

Trivia

• Shark-Tooth Bubs first appeared in theme park.
• Many parts of this video were shown at the NYU Talk on 1 March 2005.
• This toon has nondescript nouns ("Food").
• Until the release of Marzipan's Answering Machine Version 17.2, this was the longest Homestar Runner toon.

Inside References

• Homestar also pronounces "blueberry" as "bluebree" in the Experimental Film commentary.

Real-World References

• Nagra is a generic term referring to any of the series of professional audio recorders produced by Kudelski S.A., based in Cheseaux-sur-Lausanne, Switzerland.
• "I'm gonna make it after all!" is a takeoff of the Mary Tyler Moore Show theme, "Love Is All Around" by Sonny Curtis.
• In 1823, Stephen F. Austin was granted permission by Mexico to found a colony of 300 families in the Brazos River region. This group is now known as the "Old Three Hundred."
• The "Chicken Man" was the nickname of Philip Testa, a Philadelphia-based crime boss.

Related Links

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