too cool

Strong Bad Email #207

watch ← sbemail 206 the next april fools thing →

"It's clearly state-of-the-arp!"

Strong Bad reveals the creation of Senor Cardgage's character video.

Cast (in order of appearance): Strong Bad, Senor Cardgage, Coach Z, Homestar Runner, Strong Sad, Strong Mad, Bubs, Couch Z (Easter egg), F-Sack (Easter egg), The Exact Same (YouTube only)

Places (in order of appearance): Computer Room, Gymnasium, The Field, Basement of the Brothers Strong, The Office

Computer: Lappier

Date: Monday, August 14, 2017

Running Time: 4:41, 5:13 (YouTube)

Page Title: Lappier Than Thou

Transcript

{Strong Bad is sitting in front of the Lappier.}

STRONG BAD: {singing} Let's not make a big deal out of this! It's just a little Strong Bad Email! Boo-ding!

{As he says "Boo-ding", he brings up the email, and the Lappier makes a ringing sound.}

Dear SB,
Why doesn't Senor Cardgage have a video in the
Characters section? Is he too cool to be on
camera?
Woefully yours,
Kristian WithaK

{He reads the abbreviation as though choking, and the name as "Kristi Ann Withak".}

STRONG BAD: {typing} Come now young Withak. While Cardgage is too cool for lots of things: {types as a numbered list. 1.} Wiping honey mustard off his goatee.

{Cut to Senor Cardgage, whose goatee is covered in honey mustard. The camera slowly zooms in as some of the honey mustard drips off, and traffic can be heard in the distance. Cut back to the Lappier.}

STRONG BAD: {typing: 2.} Knowing dead animals don't make good knee pads.

{Cut to Senor Cardgage's legs at the stadium. He has a dead armadillo wrapped around his left leg, and a dead squirrel around the right. As the camera pans out, it is revealed that he is wearing a blue "Team Kneepads" shirt. Coach Z is standing nearby, next to a basketball.}

SENOR CARDGAGE: Prude me in, Couch Z! {holds up his left leg} I'm Reggie Toupee!

{Coach Z turns away and facepalms.}

STADIUM ANNOUNCER: Now entering the game for Team Kneepads, number 34, Reggie Toupee!

{Senor Cardgage stands triumphantly as the crowd groans. Cut back to the Lappier.}

STRONG BAD: And {typing, 3:} being out of the way.

{Cut to the field. An arrow-shaped sign that reads "ladder" points to the right. Homestar is carrying a ladder and heading in that direction, but Senor Cardgage blocks his path.}

HOMESTAR RUNNER: 'Scuse me.

SENOR CARDGAGE: {grumbles}

HOMESTAR RUNNER: {stepping to his left} Pardon me.

SENOR CARDGAGE: {also stepping to his left, remaining in Homestar's way} {grumbles}

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Ladder. {steps to his right} Got a ladder.

SENOR CARDGAGE: {steps to his right} {grumbles}

HOMESTAR RUNNER: {steps back to his left, as Cardgage does the same, getting annoyed} 'Scuse me. Have a ladder. {steps back right} Trying.

SENOR CARDGAGE: {steps back right} {grumbles}

HOMESTAR RUNNER: {steps back left} Walk by. {Cardgage goes left, Homestar goes right} With a ladder. {Cardgage goes back to the right, Homestar back left} 'Scuse me.

{Cut back to the Lappier as Strong Bad clears the screen.}

STRONG BAD: {typing} Being in a character video is not something he's too cool for. I should know. I filmed the thang ding. {stops typing} Dang, {backspaces over last two words} I, I mean {types} dang thing.

{Cut to the field. Strong Bad is standing next to a camcorder, and Senor Cardgage is in front of him.}

STRONG BAD: Okay, Senor! I got my camera all set up, and—

SENOR CARDGAGE: No, I bronk my own. {holds up an old air freshener labeled "Smellz Yeah!"}

STRONG BAD: Oh, uh, you want me to use... this {takes the air freshener} to record your character video?

SENOR CARDGAGE: It's clearly state-of-the-arp.

STRONG BAD: Yeah, yeah, I agree, don't get me wrong, but... er, hear me out: it might also just be a crusty key-lime-pie-scented air freshener? Which, I mean, is very visionary of you, and nobody shoots on air freshener no more.

SENOR CARDGAGE: Mash play, Polenta!

STRONG BAD: Um... {holds up the air freshener uncertainly} okay. {taps it} Boop.

SENOR CARDGAGE: Protuberances abound, Regolith!

{Cut back to the Lappier.}

STRONG BAD: {typing} He went on like that for 2 or 3 hours. Until he informed me that we had "run out of film." So I'm thinking Cardgage just isn't gonna have a character video, right? Then, the next day, this mysterious package shows up!

{Cut to Strong Bad outside, by his mailbox. The mailbox appears to spit up a package into Strong Bad's hand, complete with a voiced "blah!" sound effect, and the screen flashes as spooky music plays.}

STRONG BAD: {narrates as the Strong Bad of the time opens the package} It was some kind of video tape cassette, a short-lived format called Betaflop-D.

{The tape can be seen now. It resembles an audio cassette player on the right, complete with a small cassette inside, play/stop/rewind buttons below it, and an eject button in the middle. A larger roll of tape, as though a VHS tape, is on its left. Below that are written the words "BETAFLOP-D", "SUPER TYPE - ALL BIAS", and "VIDEO CATHUNK". A 5" floppy disk labelled "CARDGAGE CHARACTER VIDEO" pops out of the top with a toaster sound effect.}

STRONG BAD: {narrating} Apparently made for use only inside Tom Brokaw's house.

{The camera pans down, showing the side of the tape reads "Private props of T.Brokes", which is crossed out. Cut back to the Lappier.}

STRONG BAD: {typing} Unfortunately, we never found a beige enough device on which to play the dang thing. {stops typing} Er, {backspaces over last two words, types:} thang ding.

{Cut to behind the Lappier.}

STRONG BAD: Until now!

{Cut to the Basement, where Strong Bad, Homestar, Strong Sad, and Strong Mad are gathered around the couch, facing the TV.}

STRONG SAD: So where's this beige-enough device? This doesn't look anything like the inside of Tom Brokaw's house!

STRONG BAD: Oh, it's a few blocks away. {the TV is shown, connected to a "TV/GAME?" switch, which is itself connected to another wire, which is connected to another wire, and so on, which is followed for quite some distance} It took over four hundred different adapters to get that thing to plug into our TV.

{The wires stop at a large box labeled "BR0K4W Beigemost". Bubs is standing next to it, holding a walkie-talkie.}

STRONG BAD: {through the walkie-talkie} {fake static noise} Come in, Bubs! {Cut back to Strong Bad, talking into his own walkie-talkie} Insoit the tape! {fake static noise}

{Cut back to Bubs}

BUBS: Static. Roger that! {inserts the tape into a slot on the side of the "Beigemost" box} Cathunk! Static.

{Cut to the TV. After a moment of static, Senor Cardgage is seen in the field. Throughout the video, a slight ringing noise can be heard.}

SENOR CARDGAGE: I'm Seron Cardgage, {"Seron Cardgage" is written at the bottom of the screen.} the lead star from Characters Website! I'd like to pintroduce you to the family might/could!

{The camera zooms in vaguely, and stops in an extreme closeup of a face drawn on Senor Cardgage's skin in green. His skin is in grotesque detail, including a mole near the face.}

SENOR CARDGAGE: {in a high-pitched voice} Hedge, Packaged Sirloin.

{Cut to behind the TV. All the watchers scream out.}

STRONG SAD: {turning away and closing one eye} What part of his person are we even looking at?!

{Cut back to the TV, which shows the same scene, as Senor Cardgage speaks incoherently in the background. The screen is now labeled "The Family Might/Could".}

STRONG MAD: TOO MANY FOLDS! {cut to Strong Mad's face, which he covers} TOO MANY FOLDS!!

{Cut to Strong Bad, also covering his face.}

STRONG BAD: Trust me, you guys! This is not what we shot that day! {raises his head a moment to consider:} On an old air freshener.

{Pan to Homestar.}

HOMESTAR RUNNER: {still looking at the TV} This is so exciting! My first rated-R movie! Today, I am become a man! {pulls out a cinnamon shaker, and starts shaking it over his face} Poof! Peff! Puff!

{Cut to Strong Sad.}

STRONG SAD: Where did you say you got this tape again?

{Cut to Strong Bad.}

STRONG BAD: I dunno! It arrived mysteriously with no return address and a spooky music sting.

{The music sting plays again.}

STRONG BAD: That's the one.

{Cut to Strong Sad.}

STRONG SAD: Strong Bad, I think you just made us all watch one of those urban legend cursèd video tapes! {smiles} I think we all may be cursed for life! {excitedly} Finally!

{Cut back to the Lappier.}

STRONG BAD: {typing} See? Cardgage is so cool his character video probably cursed us all for life! But if there were any adverse side-effects, we haven't seen anything so far. I'm sure they'll manifest some day when we least expect it. Thanks for emailing me, Kristi Ann. Now Ima grab a sharpie and head to the bathroom. Try and make my own "family might/could."

{Strong Bad gets up, making the Geddup Noise, and he walks offscreen. Cut to a black screen reading "8 or 7 years later..." as a spooky chord plays. It fades to Homestar, with cinnamon faux-stubble, in the office, talking on a headset. He's wearing a green shirt labeled "Hot Jones Investment", and a post-it note on the cubicle wall reads "Less This, More That."}

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Well, Widow Jankroe, if we're talking about your children's future, primary and secondary investments simply won't be enough. We're gonna need to start talking about {human lips suddenly appear over his mouth, and he creepily says, in an echoey sing-song voice nothing like his own} tertiary {the lips disappear, and he continues normally} investments, and WAH! {spooky music plays} WAH! WAH!

{Strong Bad runs up, also wearing a green polo shirt.}

STRONG BAD: Lemme guess, you just said {human lips appear over his mouth, he starts wiggling his hips, and he says, in the same voice Homestar used:} tertiary {the lips disappear} WAAAAAH! It's the Cardgage curse! It finally caught up with us!

{Cut to a screen showing a box for "SENOR CARDGAGE CHARACTER VIDEO", featuring a distorted Senor Cardgage on the front, to spooky music. In the corner of the screen is a faux-MPAA rating: "F" for "Folds", with a disclaimer next to it. Homestar narrates and reads the disclaimer.}

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Rated F for Folds. May contain graphic images of vague skin folds, references to Family Might/Could's, and scenes of strong foldulence.

NARRATOR STRONG BAD: C-G-eeow!

{The CGI Paper comes down.}

Easter Eggs

• At the end, click on the "Rated F" box to see a scene with "Couch Z" rapping. Couch Z is a green couch in the Basement of the Brothers Strong with a patch of duct tape in the shape of a Z. It talks in Coach Z's voice by moving the couch cushions.

COUCH Z: Hey, my name's Couch Z, a-one, two, one, three!

Check me out as I rock furnitularly!

I can't really recommend you ever sit down on me,

'cause your backside might stick to my upholstery!

{pan across to reveal F-Sack on the floor}

F-SACK: Those are some of the worst rhymes I ever had laid ears on! {close-up on F-Sack} But I ain't got no ears, just this nasty old mouth flap. A-he-uh-ha-ho-hoo-hee.

Fun Facts

Explanations

• Tom Brokaw is a journalist who anchored the NBC Nightly News from 1982 to 2004.
• Primary investments are buying an initial offering of stocks or bonds directly from a corporation. Secondary investments are buying stocks that have already been created by primary investments. Tertiary investments are buying stocks from other stockholders.
• Polenta is an Italian food made from boiled cornmeal.
• Regolith is a scientific term for loose material covering bedrock, including dust, soil, and broken rock.

Trivia

Also not too cool to smile.

Homestar's other new mouth

• The "lackluster crowd sounds" were recorded by a few young friends of the Brothers Chaps at their office, as posted to Twitter on August 8, 2017.
• This email was solicited through Twitter, with @StrongBadActual providing a fill-in-the-blank template that closed with "Woefully yours". The winning submission was from user @El_Buendonado.
• This is the first appearance on the website of a new facial expression for Homestar, indicating curiosity or confusion. Its first documented usage was in a Dad's Garage presentation on June 13, 2015.
• Senor Cardgage smiles for the first time in this cartoon.
• The Exact Same's YouTube autoplay preview can be found in the Flash file using a seek bar.
• Betaflop-D website betaflop.com was created shortly after this toon; it went offline by 2019. Consisting simply of a few lines of text referencing Homestar Runner, it is unclear if the site was made by the Brothers Chaps or simply by a dedicated fan.

Remarks

• For about two weeks, this email's title linked to sbemail 206 on the New Stuff menu. As a result, sbemail 206's TV Time Toons Menu preview was shown instead of this email's preview, which could only be viewed through the URL. This was fixed on August 31, 2017.
• On October 2, 2022, the Flash file was updated to one named "sbemail207_new3.swf". This lowered the target Flash and ActionScript versions for better compatibility with Ruffle, which at the time did not support ActionScript 3.

Inside References

• "Thang ding" is a spoonerism.
• "Betaflop-D" is a portmanteau (see below).
• Senor Cardgage instructs Strong Bad to mash play.
• The Robot's power outlet is used in the chain of adapters between the "beige enough device" and the Telebision.
• "Family Might/Could" is very similar to "might could".
• Homestar uses cinnamon as facial hair once again.
• Strong Sad pronounces "cursed" as "cursèd".
• Strong Sad smiles when he finds out that he's been cursed.
• "Hot Jones Investment" shares a name with the warm drink from A Death Defying Decemberween.
• Homestar last addressed someone with the surname "Jankroe" in Costume Commercial.
• Homestar calls Cardgage's character video "[his] first rated-R movie", echoing his being banned from playing M-rated video games in slumber party.
• Cardgage's character video being rated R, as well as the difficulty in watching it, echoes a similar situation in rated.
• "Couch Z" is reminiscent of Homestar's faux-backwards pronunciation of "Coach Z" in an Easter egg in alternate universe.
• Kevin's camera shows up again as the camera Strong Bad plans to use for Cardgage's video.

Real-World References

• The page title is a play on the term "holier-than-thou".
• Strong Sad's mention of "urban legend cursèd video tapes", as well as the (approximate) seven-year delay before the onset of the curse, refers to The Ring (best known for the 2002 American film). The Ring centers around a cursed videotape, the subject of an urban legend that anyone who watches it will die seven days later.
• Betaflop-D is a reference to three data formats that have faded into obscurity. Two of them tried and failed to supplant VHS tapes; Betamax, a video format by Sony which is best known for failing to compete in the 1980s despite being technically superior, and D-VHS, a last-ditch effort to put higher-quality digital video on a cassette in the face of the growing threat of DVD. Both were ultimately flops, and traditional VHS remained commonplace until the mid-2000s. Then there's the 5.25 inch floppy disk inside the cassette, the outdatedness of which had been alluded to previously.
  • In addition, the name "Betaflop" alludes to Floating point operations per second, a measure of computer performance in sizes such as "teraflop".
• Cardgage's line to Coach Z is a mangled version of a line from the song "Centerfield" by John Fogerty: "Put me in, coach, I'm ready to play!"
• The VHS box at the end greatly resembles the typical RCA/Columbia Pictures Home Video box used around the early to late 1980s, with the font and the red border on the front and side alluding towards it.

Fast Forward

• Strong Bad says "thang ding" again in Trogdor!! The Board Game Playthrough.

YouTube Version

Feed your unmoving face.

• The YouTube description for this email is "Strong Bad dares to view Senor Cardgage's character video".
• When initially uploaded, the video's title was "sbemail207 - Too Cool".
• At the end of the cartoon, an image of The Exact Same and a box of Cheat Commandos...O's appears with a loading ring, appearing to load a video called "Breakfast Unboxing w/ The Exact Same", parodying YouTube's autoplay function and the trend of unboxing videos. Afterwards, the Couch Z Easter egg plays automatically.

External Links

• watch "too cool"
• watch "too cool" on YouTube
• view the Flash file for "too cool"
• watch "too cool" on the old Flash site
• view the Flash file for "too cool"
• forum thread re: "too cool"