Strong Badia the Free Responses (Marzistar)

"Welcome back to Homezipan's Peacetime Draftstravaganza!"

Strong Bad's Cool Game for Attractive People has many responses when you talk to various characters and interact with various objects. These are the responses from Marzistar/Homezipan in Strong Badia the Free.

On these pages, A → B (right arrow) means that the response happens when object A is used on thing B, or in the case of talking to other characters, the indicated sequence of chat topic icons are chosen.

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A short horizontal line between two or more responses, such as the one above, means only one of the responses is heard at a time, and that the action results in a different response each time it occurs.

Marzistar

On first arrival

{Cue fade in as Strong Bad walks into Marzipan's back yard.}

MARZIPAN: Come on in... we're so glad that you made it this fa... {becomes hostile} Oh, it's just Strong Bad.

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Do you have any fruit to declare?

STRONG BAD: What brand of idiocy have I stumbled upon here?

MARZIPAN: This is the Free People's Republic of Marzistar. A hostile territory.

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Welcome to Homezipan!

MARZIPAN: {turns towards Homestar} Homestar, we've talked about this. It's Marzistar.

HOMESTAR RUNNER: No, seriously. Do you have any fruit to declare?

Coach Z

STRONG BAD: Are you ready to put your life on the line for Strong Badia?

COACH Z: Put my life on the line? I thought this was the ROTC!

STRONG BAD: {sigh} And what, pray tell, do you think that stands for?

COACH Z: Relaxation of the Coach!

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STRONG BAD: What's the situation in Coachnya?

COACH Z: Rebels invaded and changed the scoreboard to spell dirty words if you look at it upside-down. It's a madhouse!

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STRONG BAD: Ready to take on the Of Town, private?

COACH Z: Private, public, I like all kinds of restrooms.

During extended play

STRONG BAD: The war's over, Coach Z. You can go back home now.

COACH Z: Yeah, I should go back to that musty gym. Instead of out here in a nice garden... {starts speaking obsessively} ...behind Marzipan's house... where I can watch her... always...

STRONG BAD: {wittingly} Congratulations, Coach. I just spent the last few hours carrying my brother's internal organs in a jar, and you still managed to top that on the creepy scale.

Fake Sword → Coach Z

STRONG BAD: I dub thee... Coach Zed, Lord High Protector of Butt-Pattery.

Homsar

STRONG BAD: Are you gonna keep a cool head in battle, Homsar?

HOMSAR: Daaahh, I'll take the last bus to the bake sale!

STRONG BAD: That'll work too.

Mailbox

STRONG BAD: I wonder if Marzipan ever got that stink bomb I sent to... {searches mailbox} ...ooh even better! Page 2 of my Algebros instruction manual! This one details the icy-hot "Polar Coordinates Attack" move.

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STRONG BAD: {checks mailbox} No mail for Marzistar.

Memorial

STRONG BAD: "Frank Benedetto. Fell in service to his country during the first battle of Strong Badia." {turns to the camera} Even though we were on different sides of that conflict, that soldier had real butter. {almost chokes} Gotta respect that.

---

STRONG BAD: "Frank Benedetto. Fell in service to his country during the first battle of Strong Badia."

Onion Patch

STRONG BAD: This land looks bountiful, but if onions are Marzistar's only crop, I'm not signing up to be their Breath Smell Ambassador.

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STRONG BAD: Once Strong Badia takes over, these onions will be cleverly chopped and deep fried into the shape of blossoming flowers!

Metal Detector → right side of the Onion Patch

STRONG BAD: {digs up a flag} A souvenir flag from the People's Republic of Marzistar. {unsurprisingly} Let me guess: it bio-degrades into an eco-friendly fertilizer.

Pom Pom

STRONG BAD: Got any cool combo moves you could teach the troops, Pom Pom?

POM POM: {bubbles conversationally}

STRONG BAD: {shocked} The 12-point exploding rooster technique? That's probably overkill for the Of Town. I just wanna underkill him.

Strong Mad

STRONG BAD: Ah, good ol' Lugnut and Squeak, reunited under the flag of Strong Badia.

STRONG MAD: {hugs The Cheat harshly} I MISSED YOU SO!

THE CHEAT: {struggling to breathe} Mzzzzmmmememmmemeehhhh...

During extended play

STRONG BAD: War's over, Strong Mad. You can go home now.

STRONG MAD: REFUGEE!

STRONG BAD: No really, Strong Mad. You can go back home.

STRONG MAD: SUPPORT THE WAR VETERANS!

STRONG BAD: {sigh} He'll find his way back home eventually.

Fake Sword → Strong Mad

STRONG BAD: {dubs Strong Mad with sword} I dub thee, Sir Huge Wall Von Big Guy!

STRONG MAD: I'VE NEVER BEEN MORE PROUD!

Strong Sad

STRONG BAD: So, Dump-tenant. Ready to be the battle's first casualty?

STRONG SAD: You hush! I'm here to provide moral morale for the troops!

STRONG BAD: Well, I guess you DO make everyone else look leaner and meaner by comparison.

Tony Stony

STRONG BAD: Tony Stony? What are you doing out here? Wouldn't you be more comfortable in the tight waistband of my inventory? {takes it out from the Model UN}

Homestar Runner

STRONG BAD: Hey. Homestar.

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Another loyal subject of Homezipan!

During extended play

STRONG BAD: What are you doing here, Homestar? I thought you and Marzipinhead broke up.

HOMESTAR RUNNER: She said she'd take me back if I figure out how to get rid of this stupid draft wheel.

During extended play, after the Model UN is set on fire

STRONG BAD: Hanging out in the back yard, knocking back a few Cold Ones in front of a roaring draft wheel. It doesn't get any better than this.

HOMESTAR RUNNER: You said it, bro. We are bros now, right?

STRONG BAD: No.

Homestar Runner → Strong Badia

STRONG BAD: You look like someone who wants to unwillingly join a growing Empire.

HOMESTAR RUNNER: You're like some type mind-reader! Where do I sign?

MARZIPAN: {glares at Homestar} Homestar...

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Oh. Right. {disappointed} I apologize, good ambassador, but my treaty signings and bathroom privileges have been revoked.

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STRONG BAD: Come on, Homestar. Strong Badia's where all the cool people are.

HOMESTAR RUNNER: {excited} Cool people are my favorite kind of people! They know all the latest fads! But... {disappointed} uh... we're happy with our independence.

Homestar Runner → Marzipan

STRONG BAD: Are you gonna let some GIRL tell you how to run your country? I thought we were bros!

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Wait, I thought I thought we were bros, and you're always beating various stuffings out of me.

STRONG BAD: I thought we were bros!

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Sorry man. I know it looks like I'm the brains of this outfit, but my lady friend's got a good head on her shoulders.

STRONG BAD: Um... Nothing about that last thing you said was true.

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STRONG BAD: I bet Marzipan would like it if you showed a little gumption and made your own bad decisions.

HOMESTAR RUNNER: I don't know about that, I'd better go ask her first.

STRONG BAD: {agitated} Groan. Never mind.

Homestar Runner → No King of Town

STRONG BAD: Aren't you tired of that The Of Town cramping your style?

HOMESTAR RUNNER: {annoyed} Oh, you got THAT right! I don't like the way his castle sits up there, undressing me with its eyes.

STRONG BAD: What're you gonna do when they INVADE?

HOMESTAR RUNNER: {shocked} Invade Homezipan? Call the militia! This is not a drill, people!

STRONG BAD: Do you even HAVE a militia?

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Holy crap, we're defeneseless! {stubbornly} That settles it: I'm getting the band back together! I'm bringing back the Homestarmy!

MARZIPAN: {annoyed} What was that?

HOMESTAR RUNNER: {gently} Uh... I said I'm bringing back the Peaceful Homezipan Gentle Flower-Planting Brigade, dear.

Homestar Runner → Homestarmy

STRONG BAD: What do you need for the Homestarmy, to help me take on The Of Town?

HOMESTAR RUNNER: {stubbornly} We're gonna need soldiers! Lots o' soldiers. Ol' Tofu-and-Sprouts over there abolished the draft. And we lost too many good men in the last war.

STRONG BAD: How many soldiers is "lots o'" soldiers?

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Exactly five.

STRONG BAD: How did you know you-

HOMESTAR RUNNER: {interrupts} A colonel {pronounced exactly as it's written} knows these things.

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STRONG BAD: NOW do you have enough soldiers for the Homestarmy?

HOMESTAR RUNNER: That's a negatory. The peace draft is our only hope. I'm pository about that!

Each time thereafter

STRONG BAD: What's the state of the Homestarmy?

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Does that look like five soldiers to you, private? We could use some more Strong Badian allies to thicken up our watery ranks.

Homestar Runner → Draft Wheel

STRONG BAD: Why don't you re-instate the draft?

HOMESTAR RUNNER: That's a great idea!

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STRONG BAD: You should run that draft again, before it's too late.

HOMESTAR RUNNER: {worried} We may already BE too late!

Each time thereafter

STRONG BAD: Run the draft again.

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Okay!

{Continue below to Draft Wheel}

Marzipan

STRONG BAD: Hola, Marzip0wned {pronounced Marzi-puh-owned}. Or however you pronounce that.

MARZIPAN: What is it, Strong Bad? I've got an awful lot of queening to do.

STRONG BAD: You and Strong Sad both.

Marzipan → Strong Badia

STRONG BAD: I want you two to join the Strong Badian Empire. And by "want", I mean "not want", but I can already tell I'm not getting through this place until you guys join up.

MARZIPAN: No way, Pinochet. Marzistar is a peaceful nation.

---

STRONG BAD: Aw come on. {in a seductive tone} No nation can resist the roguish charm of Strong Badia's most charming rogue.

MARZIPAN: Ewww, gross. Marzistar is doing just fine, thanks. We're not trying to take over the world, just make it better.

Marzipan → No King of Town

STRONG BAD: You don't like The Of Town! I heard you say so! Don't you need protection, with his castle looming overhead so ominously?

MARZIPAN: We've got a peace treaty with the Municipality. And that means one thing: You will never pass through Marzistar to attack the King of Town!

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STRONG BAD: Don't come cryin' to Strong Badia when The Of Town sends in the Poops...

MARZIPAN: It's like I already told you, Strong Bad: You will never pass through Marzistar to attack the King of Town!

Marzipan → Homestar Runner

STRONG BAD: I bet King Homestar really wants to join Strong Badia and take on the castle...

MARZIPAN: Yeah, but in about five minutes, King Homestar could really want to join an All-Squirrel Football League.

STRONG BAD: You do have a point there.

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Put me in, coach! We can BEAT those chipmunks!

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STRONG BAD: What if Homestar MADE you join Strong Badia?

MARZIPAN: Homestar can't MAKE this country do anything. We're completely equal co-rulers of Marzistar. And what I say goes.

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STRONG BAD: As King, can't Homestar have you beheaded or be-whatever-that-thing-is-ded?

MARZIPAN: {hostile} He's lucky I don't have HIM executed, the way he invites all his friends over and crashes up the place. {quickly becomes calm} I mean... we have had some disagreements on domestic and foreign policy.

Marzipan → Model UN

STRONG BAD: What's with the crappy science fair project?

MARZIPAN: That's my model United Nations! It's a testament to peace, equality, and sharing between all nations of the world. Even yours.

STRONG BAD: {disgusted} Equality and sharing? Barf! That sounds vaguely... communistic.

MARZIPAN: {happily} Thanks! I know! I'm collecting treasures from all the developed countries, plus Coachnya, to go in the displays. All to say: "This is what we can do when we work together."

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STRONG BAD: I think I might want to break or break wind on your so-called "united nations".

MARZIPAN: Well... you can put a national treasure in the Strong Badian display, if you want. Just don't touch the others.

Model UN/Draft Wheel

Model UN

STRONG BAD: It's Marzi-pain's folky (i.e. crappily made) arts and crafts display.

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STRONG BAD: Oh, the lands will be united, all right. Under my iron fist! Err, my cotton-padded fist! My cot-TON padded fist.

Bleak House display

STRONG BAD: All the greatest achievements of Strong Sad's country: twenty-sided dice and cunningly-designed dungeons. He gets beaten up at least five times a day, and it's STILL not enough.

Empty display

STRONG BAD: Some would say the Strong Badian display is "empty". I say it's "minimalist".

Country display

STRONG BAD: Nothing in Strong Mad's display but some wadded-up paper and... the handle of a mug he tried to make in pottery class.

Coachnya display

STRONG BAD: It's the display for Coachnya, and that means three things: Ointment, ointment, and more ointment!

Poopslavakia display

STRONG BAD: A... contribution... from Poopslavakia. Yeah, I'm not going anywhere near that one.

Concessionstan display

STRONG BAD: The display from Bubs' Concessionstantinople. Looks like a half-eaten chicken wing.

Pompomerania display

STRONG BAD: From Pompomerania, a half-empty can of Bull Honkey Caffeinergy Sauce.

Homsar Reservation display

STRONG BAD: And from the Homsar people... a jar of cocktail onions wearing a top hat.

Tony Stony → any display

STRONG BAD: From the country of Country, a giant rock I've been impossibly keeping in my pants. {places Tony in the specified display} Aha, the balance of power has shifted!

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STRONG BAD: {places Tony in the specified display} Aha, the balance of power has shifted!

Lighter → Model UN

STRONG BAD: I would love to set that thing on fire, but I got a feeling I'm going to need it.

During extended play

STRONG BAD: {sets it on fire} FINALLY, this thing is flammable. I've been waiting forever to do that.

After being set on fire

STRONG BAD: That thing could not be any more on fire.

Draft Wheel

First time only

HOMESTAR RUNNER: That's right, folks. {The model UN spins around to reveal a large spinning wheel and a sign labelled "Peace Draft" appears from above".} Once again it's time for the peace draft! Homestar, tell the crowd what fabulous prizes today's winner will walk home with!

{The view cuts over to a corner of the garden closer to the castle. Homestar has quickly shifted to this location.}

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Well, Homestar, grand prize is an all-expenses-paid trip to the Castle and a meeting with the King of Town!

MARZIPAN: {arrives back into the garden} Homestar, are you building an army without my permission?

HOMESTAR RUNNER: {now back in front of the spinning wheel} Nothing, Marzipan! Just my regular old brand of nothing!

STRONG BAD: {hastily} Quick! Just spin the wheel!

{The wheel picks one of the selections below.}

Each time thereafter

{The draft wheel sets itself up as Homestar speaks.}

HOMESTAR RUNNER: And welcome back to Homezipan's Peacetime Draftstravaganza! Let's see who's today's lucky winner.

Draft Wheel → Hank "the Tank" Benedetto

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Hank "the Tank" Benedetto? Man, these Benedettos are really hoggin' the wheel. Sorry, Hank. We need you on the home front, keepin' the rations fresh.

Draft Wheel → Little Johnny Benedetto

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Nooo! Little Johnny Benedetto! You always wanted to be like your brother Frank. Well I'm not gonna let you DIE like Frank! The tragedy ends here!

Draft Wheel → Marty Benedetto

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Marty Benedetto. Fortunately, he's ineligible. He's been classified 4H.

Draft Wheel → Ramon Benedetto

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Ramon Benedetto? No more! I can't look into Mrs. Benedetto's eyes again and tell her her boy's not coming back home!

Draft Wheel → Tom Benedetto

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Tom Benedetto? Noooo! Hasn't that family suffered enough?

Draft Wheel → Li'l Brudder

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Li'l Brudder! {starts crying} Ohhhh, Li'l Brudder! Why? Why is the world so hard on all the little one-legged creatures?

STRONG BAD: {as Li'l Brudder} Put me in the front lines, sarge! I'm gonna be a four-star general some day!

HOMESTAR RUNNER: {sobs} Nooooooo! Why did I even put that on the board?

Draft Wheel → Homestar Runner

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Homestar Runner! I believe the winner is right here in our studio?

{Change camera angle. Homestar's in the same place but his expression has changed.}

HOMESTAR RUNNER: {angrily} I can't make me serve, fascist!

{Camera angle is changed again, with Homestar's mood changing as well.}

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Uh oh, looks like we got us an artful draft dodger, ladies and gentlemen!

{Cue another change of camera angle and another change of expression.}

HOMESTAR RUNNER: {bitterly} No war! No war! What are all y'alls fightin' for?

{Cue another change of camera angle. Homestar retains his angry expression this time.}

HOMESTAR RUNNER: WHAT is my major malfunction, private?

STRONG BAD: {unamused} Homestar, you can't draft yourself.

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Really? I wish I'd known before I signed up for this chicken outfit. Never mind. Bwa-kawk!

If the wheel selects anyone other than Coach Z

{The draft wheel spins around so that the Model UN faces the screen, and the Peace Draft sign is pulled back up.}

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Well, the draft didn't work, Strong Bad. Only one thing left to do: Clone an army of mutant super-soldiers.

STRONG BAD: No, Homestar, we... {quickly taken by surprise} Wait. That was an option? How come you come up with the unbelievably cool ideas only AFTER I'm committed to this one?

---

{The Model UN reforms.}

HOMESTAR RUNNER: No go, Stro Bro.

STRONG BAD: {disappointed} Ahhh. Keep trying.

Draft Wheel → Coach Z

HOMESTAR RUNNER: And the lucky winner is... Coach Z!

{The camera focuses in on Coach Z, holding a sign saying "Coachnya ♥ ☮".}

COACH Z: {surprised} Really?!? I've never won anything before in my life! {throws away the sign and walks towards Homestar}

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Recruit, are you willing to put your life and some cool camos on the line to defend my country?

COACH Z: I think they've all overbid! One dollar! One dollar!

STRONG BAD: {satisfied} Close enough.

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Welcome to the Homestarmy, soldier!

After the Homestarmy obtains its required five soldiers

MARZIPAN: Homestar, I told you I don't like you having all your friends over, to watch the game and plan paramilitary operations, without asking me first.

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Oh, you granola bars are all the same! Except for the ones with chocolate chips!

{Marzipan, obviously, doesn't look amused. When the camera switches back to Homestar, he is now shown in his Homestarmy outfit.}

HOMESTAR RUNNER: You enjoy your freedom to not wash your hair, and play hackey sack, but aren't willing to put an orange bowl on your head, and wave a spoon around!

MARZIPAN: {very annoyed} Okay, that is it, Homestar. We are THROUGH.

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Good!

MARZIPAN: Fine!

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Better! Your side is East Marzistar, and my side is East Homezipan! Midway along the border we'll set up Checkpoint The Cheat.

MARZIPAN: Why don't you just make your own country at your house?

HOMESTAR RUNNER: No way! There's a squirrel in the attic that I sometimes think is a spooky ghost!

MARZIPAN: {walks off} Whatever!

HOMESTAR RUNNER: All right, maggots! Aten... HUT!

{The camera pans around to show all the recruited members for the Homestarmy - Coach Z, Pom Pom, Homsar, Strong Sad and Strong Mad.}

STRONG BAD: You call this a Homestarmy? Somebody's going to have to whip these wastes of panty-waists into shape.

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Take it away, Your Dryness! Just lemme know when you want to start attacking the castle!

Prep Talk

STRONG BAD: Has anyone seen my contact lens?

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STRONG BAD: No retreat! No surrender! Double impact! Timecop!

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STRONG BAD: All right, men. It's time to put up or shut up. Actually, just shut up.

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STRONG BAD: We've got to hit him where all old people are the weakest: right in the paunch.

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STRONG BAD: This, men, will be our finest hour. (Ugh, I hope this doesn't take an hour.)

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STRONG BAD: The Of Town's forces are mightier than his monthly Danish bill.

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STRONG BAD: We must strike the castle with back alley surgical precision.

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STRONG BAD: Do you want to die a hero, or live as a dead hoagie?

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STRONG BAD: They will be expecting a well-organized and disciplined invasion force. So... we'll have surprise on our side.

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STRONG BAD: The castle's defences are weakest in its tastebuds and its... {flinches} ...uvula.

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STRONG BAD: Shrieking and crying are perfectly acceptable responses to an attack.

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STRONG BAD: The first thing you'll notice about The Of Town is that he smells like fresh-baked breads. Do not be fooled!

Prep talk → Coach Z

STRONG BAD: Do I make myself clear?

COACH Z: Sore, yes sore!

Prep talk → Pom Pom

STRONG BAD: Am I BORING you, private?

POM POM: {bubbles attentively}

Prep talk → Homsar

STRONG BAD: Have something to share with the rest of the class?

HOMSAR: Daaaahhhh, I'm the local Leroy!

Prep talk → Strong Sad

STRONG BAD: Do you WANT to die, soldier?

STRONG SAD: {ponders} Hmmm... well...

Prep talk → Strong Mad

STRONG BAD: Shape up, private!

STRONG MAD: {upset} SORRY SIR! {straightens himself up}

Prep talk → Homestar Runner

HOMESTAR RUNNER: You ready to take on the Of Town, chief? {pronounced as it's written}

Homestar Runner → No King of Town

STRONG BAD: Nah, these clowns still need to be toughened up.

Homestar Runner → The King of Town

This scene can also be seen by getting all five Homestarmy members at attention.

STRONG BAD: On to the castle! Death to the Of Town!

STRONG MAD: ATTACK!

THE CHEAT: {determined The Cheat noises}

POM POM: {bubbles confidently}

HOMESTAR RUNNER: {imitating gunfire} Ptoo! Ptoo!

COACH Z: Vive le Revelation!

{Everyone goes over the fence and runs towards the Castle, with Strong Bad leading the group. Eventually, the charge comes to a freeze frame, before it transforms itself into a slightly grayed poster with the remark "Believe in YOURSELF" written on it. The player is taken to the Castle at this point.}