Coffee Town with Homestar + Mike

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"How many origins does this coffee have?"

Homestar Runner and Mike Chapman sit down to produce the 86th episode of Coffee Town live on Instagram.

Cast (in order of appearance): Puppet Homestar, Mike Chapman

Date: Thursday, August 24, 2017

Running Time: 5:30

Transcript

{Opens with Puppet Homestar in front of a corner table on which are coffee making supplies. On the walls are framed shirts from the Store. A sign in the lower right reads 'COFFEE TOWN WITH HOMESTAR + MIKE'.}

MIKE CHAPMAN: {from out of frame} We're live.

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Live what?

{Mike walks into frame from behind the camera and sits down next to Puppet Homestar.}

MIKE: Live... video. Live phone.

HOMESTAR: Oh!

MIKE: We're on live phone right now.

HOMESTAR: What is this?

MIKE: Some kind—

HOMESTAR: What are we doin'?

MIKE: We're doin' Coffee Town with {looks at sign} Homestar and Mike.

HOMESTAR: Oh.

MIKE: I couldn't tell which one of us went first.

HOMESTAR: I thought that was fake.

MIKE: Nope, it's real. This is episode number 86, I believe?

HOMESTAR: What?! We done 85 more of these?

MIKE: Yeah.

HOMESTAR: That's a lotta coffee, Mike.

MIKE: Yeah. So we're gonna be makin' some coffee here, Homestar. {opens bag}

HOMESTAR: Oh okay. What type? How many origins does this coffee have?

MIKE: Single. One.

HOMESTAR: Single origin.

MIKE: Yep.

HOMESTAR: Those are—

MIKE: Some blue coffee.

HOMESTAR: I'm sick of watchin' origin stories.

MIKE: Dark chocolate—

HOMESTAR: I want you to get into like episode five of this coffee. You know what I'm sayin'?

MIKE: Yeah.

HOMESTAR: Where it's fighting the lesser—

MIKE: Sniff?

{Mike holds a spoonful up to Homestar's mouth. Homestar sniffs.}

HOMESTAR: Ooooh.

MIKE: You sniffed with your mouth.

HOMESTAR: {laughs} I did. It's my olfactory organ, Mike.

MIKE: Your—

HOMESTAR: It's all I got.

MIKE: Your ol' factory?

HOMESTAR: It— It's the new factory.

MIKE: Okay.

HOMESTAR: What a, what—

MIKE: Get a couple scoops of this.

HOMESTAR: Wait, but what notes? We gotta talk about the notes!

MIKE: {grabs water pitcher} Smoky notes.

HOMESTAR: Smoky notes, okay. {about pitcher} What's that thing?

MIKE: Uh, intense notes.

HOMESTAR: What are you puttin' in there now?

MIKE: And full— This is called 'water'.

HOMESTAR: Ohhhh.

MIKE: Wanna take a— take a whiff of this with your mouth?

{Mike holds the pitcher up to Homestar's mouth. Homestar sniffs.}

HOMESTAR: Oh, I got notes of—

MIKE: Get some—

HOMESTAR: Hydrogens.

MIKE: Mmm hmm.

HOMESTAR: Um, slight oxygens, um—

MIKE: Do you wanna stir it?

{Mike holds the stirrer up to Homestar's mouth. Homestar grabs the stirrer with his mouth. After a beat, he drops the stirrer on Mike's chair.}

HOMESTAR: Pah! I say.

{Mike grabs it and starts stirring the coffee.}

MIKE: Hey you know what—

HOMESTAR: That would be a disaster, Mike. Don't— don't ask me to help any more.

MIKE: I'm gonna do a timer for two minutes. {hits buttons on microwave}

HOMESTAR: Okay. Two minute timer. Single origin.

MIKE: Yep. {pours water in press}

HOMESTAR: Blue bag.

MIKE: Smoky.

HOMESTAR: Smoky.

MIKE: And while we wait, we're gonna wait two minutes for this to brew or steep. I guess it brews, right? {glances down, presumably at Matt}

HOMESTAR: Yeah don't—

MIKE: I don't know why I looked down there. There's nothing down there for me to— {laughs}

HOMESTAR: {laughs} Yeah stop lookin' down there, Mike!

MIKE: Hey! {gets up}

HOMESTAR: What's wrong with you?

MIKE: I got a treat for you, though.

HOMESTAR: What is it?

MIKE: You know how, uh—

HOMESTAR: More of a treat than—

MIKE: {sits down holding a tin} You know how I always like to bring something to eat while we make our coffee. Like, it's part of our, part of our little—

HOMESTAR: Ritual?

MIKE: Livecast, yeah.

HOMESTAR: Our made up ritual?

{Mike holds up a Pirouline. Homestar gasps.}

MIKE: Pirouline!

HOMESTAR: {very excited} A Pirouline!

MIKE: Yeah.

{Mike moves the Pirouline to Homestar's mouth. Homestar chomps on it and pieces fall everywhere.}

HOMESTAR: You know I love 'em!

{Mike laughs and eats a big piece.}

HOMESTAR: Pah! Pah! They're so good I'm gonna spit 'em out!

MIKE: Mmm hmm.

HOMESTAR: {calmer} Lemme get another one of them Piroulines!

{Mike puts a big piece in Homestar's mouth so that it somewhat resembles a cigar.}

HOMESTAR: {gruff voice} I feel like a gangster, Mike.

MIKE: {laughs}

HOMESTAR: I feel like a gangster with a cigar {pronounced CEE-gar}.

MIKE: {adjusts Pirouline} Bit more, there you go.

HOMESTAR: Yeah. There's no room for this town in you and me any— {Pirouline falls out} Awww.

MIKE: {overlapping} 'See'. {catches Pirouline} You gotta say 'see' at the end of your sentence.

HOMESTAR: See?

MIKE: There you go.

HOMESTAR: There's no room for this town any more, you and me.

MIKE: {takes a bite} Lemme, lemme clean your mouth.

{Homestar opens up and says 'ah'. Mike brushes off Homestar's felt-mouth while Homestar coughs.}

HOMESTAR: You're gaggin' me! Stop!

MIKE: Alright, got it.

{Homestar sighs. Mike eats the last bit of Pirouline and points at something on the microwave.}

HOMESTAR: Pretty good.

MIKE: Look, the timer went away, it says 1:40— Hmm. Alright.

HOMESTAR: Ummm, my internal timer says it's almost time.

MIKE: Alright. Let's stir it. {starts stirring}

HOMESTAR: Stir. Rinse. Repeat. Replete.

MIKE: Filter. {puts filter on press}

HOMESTAR: Is this coffee replete with flavor, Mike?

MIKE: Yes.

HOMESTAR: Would you say? Hey, get that elbow back up there.

MIKE: Hmm?

HOMESTAR: Get that elbow back up there!

{Mike inverts the coffee press and exaggeratedly raises his left elbow to press down.}

HOMESTAR: No, the other one!

MIKE: {raises right elbow} This one?

HOMESTAR: Yeah.

MIKE: Why?

HOMESTAR: Get, get it up.

{This time, Mike exaggeratedly raises his right elbow to press down. Homestar starts to bite Mike's elbow. Mike laughs.}

HOMESTAR: How's that?

MIKE: That's pretty good.

HOMESTAR: I kinda wanted to chomp on that elbow.

MIKE: Good lookin' elbow.

HOMESTAR: So what are you doing now?

MIKE: Now we're, um, vacuum sealing the coffee.

HOMESTAR: Okay. That sounds great!

MIKE: Yeah.

HOMESTAR: {sniffs} Can I make the sound effects?

MIKE: We're doin'—

{Homestar sniffs and the microwave timer beeps.}

MIKE: Oh, there was the—

HOMESTAR: Awww! We did it too early!

MIKE: That's okay!

HOMESTAR: It's gonna be disgusting!

MIKE: It took me a second to get the timer on, so I think it was probably exact.

{Homestar hums majestically while Mike removes the press to reveal their cup of coffee.}

MIKE: Look at that. Look at that.

HOMESTAR: Go. Take a sniff.

{Mike holds the cup up to Homestar's mouth. Homestar takes a sniff.}

HOMESTAR: Ahh. That—

MIKE: One for my partner?

HOMESTAR: No, I can't!

MIKE: {turns handle toward Homestar} This is yours.

HOMESTAR: Not right now! I'm on a— I already had two cups today!

MIKE: {laughs} Yeah?

HOMESTAR: Yeah. I'm gonna quit this round.

{Mike takes the first sip.}

MIKE: Mmm. It's good.

HOMESTAR: Gimme the notes!

MIKE: It's good coffee. {reaches for Piroulines} Uh, smoky.

HOMESTAR: Are you just makin' that up?

MIKE: Half-bodied.

HOMESTAR: You keep sayin' 'smoky'.

MIKE: {takes a Pirouline out of the tin} I don't know anything about these notes, Homestar.

HOMESTAR: Then use some—

MIKE: Thankfully it tastes like coffee.

HOMESTAR: Use Mike words.

MIKE: It tastes like good coffee.

HOMESTAR: Okay.

MIKE: It's dark.

HOMESTAR: Dark. What else does Mike say?

MIKE: It's pretty hot.

HOMESTAR: Dark hot.

MIKE: Yeah.

HOMESTAR: Okay.

MIKE: If we weren't live I would have let this sit a second, it's kinda burning my mouth.

HOMESTAR: {laughs} That's great! Hey, this is probably a great test.

MIKE: {dunks Pirouline in the coffee} You gonna give a little dunk? A little—

HOMESTAR: A great screen test.

MIKE: The old soft Pirouline.

HOMESTAR: Okay.

MIKE: Gonna pull a soft Pirouline right here.

HOMESTAR: {laughs} Don't do it!

{Mike takes a bite of the soft Pirouline.}

HOMESTAR: That's a figure skating maneuver!

MIKE: Mmm hmm. Mmm hmm.

HOMESTAR: I think {laughs} Nadia Comăneci used to do a Soft Pirouline.

{Mike takes another bite.}

MIKE: Alright, well good job on number eighty— what'd I say, 85 or 86?

HOMESTAR: You said 86, I think.

MIKE: 86. 86 is in the books.

HOMESTAR: Yeah.

{Mike holds up his hand for a high five. Homestar high fives with his mouth.}

HOMESTAR: Pah!

MIKE: Good job.

HOMESTAR: Yeah, get outta here!

{Mike stands up and walks out of frame behind the phone's camera.}

MIKE: Why don't you, um—

HOMESTAR: Hey, make your brother some coffee some time, why don'tcha.

{Mike laughs. Homestar sinks out of frame while humming.}

MIKE: How do I stop it? We're still live.

HOMESTAR: {very quickly reappears} I don't know! Oh no! I'm gonna eat the sign!

{Homestar begins biting the 'Coffee Town with Homestar and Mike' sign.}

MIKE: There's a couple— it looks like there are four people, maybe? End. There's the 'End' button.

HOMESTAR: Do it!

{Homestar stops biting the sign and sinks out of frame again.}

MIKE: End live video.

{Homestar very quickly and very briefly reappears.}

Fun Facts

Inside References

• Coffee Town with Homestar + Mike first appeared as a recurring fake YouTube Related Video thumbnail.
• From left to right, the framed shirts are the Scalding Lake Shirt, the Duck Shirt, the discontinued Cool Tapes shirt, the Strong Sad Shirt, and the Support the Municipality! Shirt from the Store.

Real World References

• Pirouline is a brand of rolled sweet wafer biscuit/cookie, sold by the DeBeukelaer Corporation in the United States.
• Nadia Comăneci is a Romanian gymnast and an Olympic gold medalist.
• Homestar and Mike appear to be making Counter Culture brand coffee.

External Links

• watch "Coffee Town with Homestar + Mike" (mirror)